#1
C4C

How come I always start up at the end
Of everything in between
Life and death I'll just pretend
I'm a man in a life thats got a meaning

Why can't I have a picture in my frame
I'm so tired of the kodak family
Without a name put to the face
How can I label all my envy

You're a static memory to me
You're as clear as the snow flashed on my tv
And try to change it though I may
You're always there staring back at me

And now I'm moving just to prove that I exist
Knowing someway somehow theres something better than this
But a static memory is all I see

At the root of every man it seems
Theres a woman with his heart in her back seat
And she'll tuck it underneath the seams
Of the carpet where she lays her feet

Can you be more oblivious I ask
As you wipe the blood from your hands
Don't you see the heart sized hole deep in my chest
Can't you at least pretend like you care

And although nothing's on the line
I've got everything to lose
So pick it up and tell me why
You do the things that you do

And now I'm breathing just to prove that I exist
Knowing somewhere out there there's someone better than this
Better than you, better for me
And a static memory is all you'll be
#2
This song did a good job of catching my attention, but the 4th paragraph really hit me as amazing. Also in the second paragraph the line about the kodak family was unique, I liked it a lot. The only part of the song I didn't like too much was the third paragraph. I didn't particularly like the second line. Maybe the comparison "like snow flashed on my tv," doesn't really strike me very much. This is just my opinion though. The rest of the song was satisfactory. Nothing else really caught my attention except for the 5th paragraph; the entire thing was good. Nice work overall!
Thanks for the crit.
#3
I agree with the third stanzas second line. I was trying to convey the "static" on television and all I've heard it called before is snow, but re-reading it it kind of sounds like I'm talking about literal snow. I'm not quite sure as to how to re-word that to better convey the message but thanks for the crit.
#4
I like it a lot. I don't really want to do a full crit. I'm sick and tired, I hope you understand. I'll get to it another time if I remember.
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#5
verryyyy nice, i like, great job
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#6
Hey man sorry it took a while to get back to you. I've been kinda busy.

I like this. There are a lot of lines in here that struck a chord with me. The entire verse starting with "at the root..." was very well-written in my opinion. It had a tangible metaphor and you executed it in a unique, original way. I also like the idea of "static memory".

As for some suggestions, to me it seemed like there were some superfluous lines and stanzas in here, places where you seemed to say nothing new. For example, the "can you be more oblivious..." verse seems to say the same thing as the verse preceeding it. In my opinion, you could scratch that verse and nothing much would be lost. Same with the "and although nothing's..." verse: it really doesn't do much for me. You don't anything overwhelmingly new here so I think scratching it wouldn't detract much.

Basically I think you have a great idea but right now there are a lot of extraneous verses that detract from it. Make it more concise, succint, keep that "at the root..." verse for sure and I think you'll be well on your way.

Hope this helps. Thanks for looking at mine too.
here, My Dear, here it is