#1
The workings of a song I'm writing. I'd like to get some input from you guys, specifically imagery you think is cool, or you think is trash, whichever. Thanks!

PS. The title wouldn't let me write the word. Damn.

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I bore witness to the draping of one night's rest
Upon a coat hanger leaned over and smelling something sweet
Her name was regress and her eyes would arrest me
The cheap perfume was a smoke plume under way

Oh little darling take me down south

Bleeding and running and feeling and giving to me
Whipping round an angel's head and looking right through
Windowpane a temptress bed, she wants a lay
Leave me now to gather my head, be out before the day

Oh little darling take me down south
Last edited by Chaingarden at Dec 4, 2009,
#2
Quote by Chaingarden
The workings of a song I'm writing. I'd like to get some input from you guys, specifically imagery you think is cool, or you think is trash, whichever. Thanks!

PS. The title wouldn't let me write the word. Damn.

-------

I bore witness to the draping of one night's sleep
Upon a coat hanger leaned over and smelling sweet
Her name was regress and her eyes would arrest me
The cheap perfume was a smoke plume under way

that 'smelling sweet line'. I know you did that to fit the flow of the meter but it doesn't work. 'and smelled something sweet.' If you do something just so it fits the flow it won't always turn out effectively.

Oh little darling take me down south

Bleeding and running and feeling and giving to me
Whipping round an angel's head and looking right through
Windowpane a temptress bed, she wants a lay
Leave me now to gather my head, be out before the day

You need more punctuation here to make it more clear. Are you referring that the windowpane is a temptress bed? or are you listing them? 'Windowpane, a temptress bed'

Oh little darling take me down south


I'm not sure with the rhyming here, it's inconsistent. You rhyme various lines but not others, it doesn't follow a clear pattern. When you rhyme it is predictable it almost detracts from the song.

Also the title, it nearly put me off reading this.

It's a good start.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 3, 2009,
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
I'm not sure with the rhyming here, it's inconsistent. You rhyme various lines but not others, it doesn't follow a clear pattern. When you rhyme it is predictable it almost detracts from the song.

Also the title, it nearly put me off reading this.

It's a good start.


Ooh, I didn't think about "smelling something sweet". I think that's a better way.

I intentionally made that unclear, actually. I guess more accurate is that I intentionally made it flow in that manner. I'm a big fan of playing with grammatical function. Sorry if that's off-putting for you.

I thinking about actually cutting the rhyming in the first few lines. I think predictable is a good word. I did this in nearly free association, so some of the rhyming was dumb luck, but I think on second glance, I'm pretty unsatisfied with that aspect.

Title isn't changing, sorry. It's a mood piece, and for me, that title most accurately describes the vignette that's taking place.

Thanks for the crit.
Last edited by Chaingarden at Dec 4, 2009,
#4
Quote by Chaingarden
Title isn't changing, sorry. It's a mood piece, and for me, that title most accurately describes the vignette that's taking place.

Thanks for the crit.


Mm I'm aware it's a mood piece, but that juxtaposing between ***** and sunrise doesn't work for me. This may just be me, who knows?
#5
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
Mm I'm aware it's a mood piece, but that juxtaposing between ***** and sunrise doesn't work for me. This may just be me, who knows?


Maybe it would help to get in my head a little. For the image I saw, there are two characters. The narrator is a boy on the cusp of manhood, and sort of teetering on the edge of that, and there's a woman, or girl rather, who is eager to give herself to him, which he facilitates. When they're done, some time before the sunrise, he realizes that what he's done was a mistake. Each chorus actually serves as a different mood following the verse. The first chorus is intended to be sexually suggestive, whereas the second chorus alludes to going "morally south," so to speak. Ultimately, the reader must make the distinction which character is the ***** referenced in the title. That's how I saw it, anyway.