#1
Hello there. these are lyrics i wrote for a sort of dark-ish indie/rock song. Please read, comment with advice, tips, appraisal, criticism. If you want C4C? just say cause ill do it
Enjoy.

youll appear when hes aroused
when hes falling from the crowd
and now hes doing his bird
whilst you tie your lace
hell rub salt in your wound
and throw the cake back in your face
now hes leaving
once youve finished him off

he'll watch you in your sleep
and leave you crying on the phone
then he'll snub your affection
and let you die alone
the smell of his compassion
will leave you in disgust
and your so called love
will turn into dust

in his dreams you will lie
waiting wide open
hell be wetting with exasperation
until the culmination, youll dissapear

he'll watch you in your sleep
and leave you crying on the phone
then he'll snub your affection
and let you die alone
the smell of his compassion
will leave you in disgust
and your so called love
will turn into dust
#2
youll appear when hes aroused
when hes falling from the crowd
and now hes doing his bird
whilst you tie your lace
hell rub salt in your wound
and throw the cake back in your face
now hes leaving
once youve finished him off


Its a good opening line, quite powerful, but then you kinda lose it during the verse. especially with "throw the cake back in your face". I know you said "darkish" but thats a kids birthday party...

he'll watch you in your sleep
and leave you crying on the phone
then he'll snub your affection
and let you die alone
the smell of his compassion
will leave you in disgust
and your so called love
will turn into dust


I really don't like the last two lines, its all a bit cliche and i dont think it flows well.


in his dreams you will lie
waiting wide open
hell be wetting with exasperation
until the culmination, youll dissapear


Best verse.

I don't know what to make of it tbh, i understood what you were writing about, but even then i wasnt sure of the "he'll watch you in your sleep" line, which didnt seem to fit in with the rest of it.

C4C?

Edit - Have to add.....terrible title :p Sorry.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#3
I took the cake to be referring to the "Let them eat cake" quote. It's all right in context, maybe play around with different phrases, though. "So called love" seems like a padded line, like it was thrown in there to give that particular lyric the correct amount of syllables. That would be the one weak line, I think. Everything else is solid. Oh, except the title. Really might want to change that. Overall good, though.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#4
lol. the title was only a temporary title:P ill try think of a permanent one:P thanks for the comments. the song is about a boy(my "friend") who is with a girl just for sex. the line "he'll watch you in your sleep" refers to him being aroused looking at her whilst she's asleep. strange ino:P. the "throw the cake back in your face" was put there as a similie as when she tries to be romantic hes not having it, i surpose i could change that by thinking of a different similie because its a bit childish compared to the kind of dark-ish/wicked theme to the song.

Quote by the envy

in his dreams you will lie
waiting wide open
hell be wetting with exasperation
until the culmination, youll disappear


Quote by Andzee

Best verse.
I don't know what to make of it tbh, i understood what you were writing about, but even then i wasnt sure of the "he'll watch you in your sleep" line, which didnt seem to fit in with the rest of it.


To be honest im not a big fan of that last verse/bridge sort of thing. i was thinking of changing it to an instrumental only bridge? im not sure to be honest.
the thing i do like though is the way the part "in his dreams" is linked to the chorus line "in your sleep" i found that quite effective.