#1
Opened the day by
writing whimsical phrases across
the foreheads of streetwalkers and
people who take themselves too seriously.
Taunted them,
led them to a mirror and made
them drink their own egos;
some left thirstier than others.

I'll leave them to stew over the meaning
of worldwide initiatives to fight hunger and oppression.
I'll leave them to donate money to good causes,
and sip on their pride...
until their stomachs are bursting of self-made
good cheer.
I'll lead them to good pastures and
swathing streams of bliss;
then snatch it away with a dose of reality.
#2
(obviously some left thirstier than others)
I would have liked to have had this be
some left thirstier than others
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
I expected something lighthearted, and this turned out to be a bit cruel. Not sure yet whether that's good or not, but it certainly surprised me. When you started using personal pronouns in the second stanza/changed tense it didn't exactly feel right. There was a sense of distance between the two stanzas because of this. I didn't like the last line. It didn't seem to pack enough of a punch to end a piece seething with bitterness like this one. Especially the word "snatching"... not exactly a word of power in English.

Eh. I liked the idea but the execution just didn't click with me, particularly in the last stanza.
#6
Quote by Hesh
Especially the word "snatching"... not exactly a word of power in English.


Not to be contrary, but I hope you at least noted the understatedness of having homeless people think about solving the world's problems. There's supposed to be cruelty and anger... but to deliver it with power would be to yield to the cynicism of the masses... to store it up and deliver it to others through small doses of "snatching" away happiness isn't powerful... its small and unimportant, but still strangely scarring to those involved.
#7
I like the use of the word "snatching." Not so much "reality" though. But that's my own personal dislike of the word. I'm not entirely sure what a more apt word to use would be. Overall, the piece is strong, but there are two instances of drinking, and in a shorter work like this, it feels repetitive, unless that was the point, in which case, I'm sorry I missed the point.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#8
It's good. I'd like to say more, but I should be doing homework.
Is "good pastures" refurring to psalm 23? Great picture and word choice.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#9
Quote by ZanasCross
Not to be contrary, but I hope you at least noted the understatedness of having homeless people think about solving the world's problems. There's supposed to be cruelty and anger... but to deliver it with power would be to yield to the cynicism of the masses... to store it up and deliver it to others through small doses of "snatching" away happiness isn't powerful... its small and unimportant, but still strangely scarring to those involved.

Oops, didn't really pick up on them being homeless. The image that came to my mind was just businessmen walking importantly down a street. I should've read more carefully.

A lot of this seemed dramatic, and snatching was a bit of a let-down after "stomachs bursting". But to each his own.
#10
Quote by Hesh
Oops, didn't really pick up on them being homeless. The image that came to my mind was just businessmen walking importantly down a street. I should've read more carefully.

A lot of this seemed dramatic, and snatching was a bit of a let-down after "stomachs bursting". But to each his own.



I understand, and I wasn't trying to call your critique wrong... just wanted to see if you saw what I was going for. I appreciate your input.
#11
It's nice, Zach. I won't get into why, but it's nice.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
I really enjoyed this piece. It was very strong and I loved the picture you painted with the words you used. I agree there are some words here and there that i thought weren't the best fitting, but most of that is just person preference, some people are bias for and against some words for different reasons, but that's just how it goes.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.