#1
Headlights glint off the reflective white
And pressed tourist sites on an out of state license plate
My words color paths for the driver in my head:
The snow covered brake lights make halos of warming red

The radio recites its soliloquies low
While I tune it out, your voice swallows my evening view
Streetlights pirouette, elucidating brown eyes
Fingers intertwined as we follow the traffic lines

I taste shadows of distant stars
Echoed across windshields of the parking lot-lined cars
I taste the language on your lips
And memories of last week’s departing wooden ships

Your arms wrapped around your legs in front of the blaze
While the movie screen spills faint flickering light on your face
The gentle string soundtrack scoring our scene
As we sit together by a film that I’m hardly watching

We open our minds and pour ink on each page
Of a history textbook simply titled both our names
Quiet exchanges, longing timid hush
Conversations march circles like lost hikers as our hands brush

I taste shadows of possible lives
Echoed across the clear lenses of auburn eyes
I taste the language on your lips
And fading memories of yesterday's casual quips
Last edited by D&DLover at Dec 6, 2009,
#2
There's a sense that this is too difficult a read, too forced an execution, to strictly written i order to allow it to breathe easy.

It reads like a piece that didn't enjoy being written. For me a lot of it is forced, eeked out rather than a free-flowing, interlocking of ideas. I think for me alot of that is to do with the rhyth; it so wants to be perfectly rhythmic, perfectly written. It feels forced; and also because it lacks consistancy in metre (though less noticeably in syllable count) it adds to this certain-yet-uncertain read.

That said, it's refreshing in its honesty and you have some real neat, sweet and cute ideas. You also show real wit and smarts in some images and phrases.

So, yes. A worthy WotW imo and congrats. I'll be keeping an eye out on ye.

Have a good day.
#5
congrats

I also think it could use a little room to breathe but all in all it was very nice.
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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