#1
c4c.

While,
I was stumbling down old and grimy alleyways
you were back at home hanging out the washing
reading Dante’s Inferno beneath the stars. I returned
bristling in my posture – dripping in sweat,

in my own Colosseum
where I heard the roar of a Minotaur
from a crumbling Rome,
entrancing in its speech
like alluring Sirens in afternoon sport
or a dusty mirage on desert plains, where

down in the Labyrinths
I stumbled through the river Styx, torn
between opaque waters and the shadow
of a burning utopia, floundering in the current

of a maelstrom
where the static erupts and and I howl

Veni!
as I grate my horns

Vidi!
slowly

Vici!
against your entrails.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 5, 2009,
#2
I loved everything about this from the style and format to the content. You always offer me new ways of expressing things and the "I came, I saw, I conquered" exclamation at the end paralleled with the narrator turning into the Minotaur was extremely well executed. I have not read The Inferno so I cannot speak to the allusions or parallels between it and this piece but I do not doubt there are any.

As far as some suggestions, there were a few descriptions that were stale in my opinion. In these places, I feel a little more unique descriptors would suit the piece well:

"old and dirty avenues", "lost and forgotten age"

i don't know, i feel like you are able to describe things very uniquely but in these two instances they felt very common. Not so much the avenues one, but definitely the lost and forgotten age.

Again that's just my opinion. Overall though, I thought this was great and that you nailed the tone and atmosphere of the piece.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
I loved everything about this from the style and format to the content. You always offer me new ways of expressing things and the "I came, I saw, I conquered" exclamation at the end paralleled with the narrator turning into the Minotaur was extremely well executed. I have not read The Inferno so I cannot speak to the allusions or parallels between it and this piece but I do not doubt there are any.

As far as some suggestions, there were a few descriptions that were stale in my opinion. In these places, I feel a little more unique descriptors would suit the piece well:

"old and dirty avenues", "lost and forgotten age"

i don't know, i feel like you are able to describe things very uniquely but in these two instances they felt very common. Not so much the avenues one, but definitely the lost and forgotten age.

Again that's just my opinion. Overall though, I thought this was great and that you nailed the tone and atmosphere of the piece.


I think you're right with those descriptions. I agree.

thank you very much.

edited.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 5, 2009,
#4
Wonderful writing. The imagery was fantastic.

where I heard the roar of a Minotaur
from a crumbling Rome,

^^^ That's where you had me. At that line, the imagery really started to work it's way into my imagination. Just that line, 'From a crumbling Rome.' It was very powerful, to me, at least.

Good job, man. I know this isn't much of a critique, if anything it's just a supportive comment. We all need those from time to time, though.
#5
This is beautiful. I loved every bit of it, especially the end
I would change the capitalization in the third stanza, third line.
#6
Very nice. Not really anything I'd change. I really liked the veni, vidi, vici lines and thought they were expertly placed. Loved it.
#7
Quote by hippieboy444
This is beautiful. I loved every bit of it, especially the end
I would change the capitalization in the third stanza, third line.


Thanks for pointing that out I must have missed it.

I'm glad people enjoyed it.
#8
This works because you stick to your guns right from the word go, the style and format doesn't slip once and that's damn hard to do. Really strong piece of writing.
#9
Quote by kdownes
This works because you stick to your guns right from the word go, the style and format doesn't slip once and that's damn hard to do. Really strong piece of writing.


thank you, I appreciate it.