#1
I wrote this over the course of a couple of days due to a relationship struggle. The lyrics really strike a chord in my heart and I wanted to see what UG thought.

By heavy, I don't mean like screaming metal or anything. Just real distorted guitars and heavy drums and bass.

----
[Verse I; heavy intro that carries on into the verse]
Explain to me
Teach me to believe
Understand?
Why it shouldn't be

And the truth?
Destroying my head
Taking me away
And my cries, please let them subside.

[Chorus; heavy]
For 10 minutes
I wish I could hold your hand
With out fear in my heart

Over my dead body
I wish you'd open up
And divulge to me your fears

[Verse II; quieter clean guitar with arpeggios and softer drums and bass; rhythm in general gets very simple]
Soft explosions
Shatter my sleep
Breaking me down
...deep

And the truth?
Destroying...
Taking me away...
And my eyes, please let them dry inside

[Chorus; still clean, but the rhythm does more movement, the last line of the last couplet builds back into a heavy riff]
For 10 minutes
I wish I'd hold your hand
Without fear in my heart

Over my dead body
I wish you'd open up
So I'll flee

[Repeat heavy intro, then move to noisey guitar solo that eventually fades into an ambient sound-scape with no centre chord progression; picks up into a piano/bass warm yet sad sound]

[Verse III]
Walk away
Purge your soul of me
Erase all the memories

They only bring us tears
And I've seen...
...not all I need to see.

Erase me. Erase me away.
Away from you.

[song ends back into the sound scape]


------


C4C fo sho.

Edit: I'm thinking about changing "And divulge your fears to me" to "And let your tears run free"?

Thoughts?
GEAR
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Last edited by Weeping_Demon7 at Dec 5, 2009,
#2
Was good, I personaly thought the chorus could be better, but I havent heard it with music, good for just lyrics, like to hear with music
#3
i like it, very deep, moving, rather sweet,
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#4
Quote by vidieowiz4
Was good, I personaly thought the chorus could be better, but I havent heard it with music, good for just lyrics, like to hear with music

I agree. The "And divulge your fears to me" doesn't fit rhythmically.

Edit: I'm thinking about changing "And divulge your fears to me" to "And let your tears run free"?

Thoughts?
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

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Last edited by Weeping_Demon7 at Dec 5, 2009,
#5
nice. i played along with a few chords (Em, C, D, Dm, G, A, Am are the chords and Fm at the end) it sounds great
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#6
Quote by dylman06
nice. i played along with a few chords (Em, C, D, Dm, G, A, Am are the chords and Fm at the end) it sounds great

Right on. I was thinking for the first verse as a diatonic build up with single notes in Drop D like D to E, to F, to G and then going back down on the second part of the first verse into an octave run of the same thing.

As for the chorus, I was thinking like a Bb to F to A with some variation. (Power chords)

The second verse would be some descending arpeggios in a kinda chromatic fashion that gives some kinda dissonant vibes but still maintains enough harmony and consonance.

End would be a piano run of some sort. I was thinking of changing the keys but I'm not sure.
GEAR
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Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

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Last edited by Weeping_Demon7 at Dec 5, 2009,
#8
Quote by mrawesome2142
lol@ Citizen Erased ripoff without anyone noticing. Well played, sir.

That's kinda what it was based on.

But it's not a rip off. The rhythms kinda match but there more open chords and stacked power chords. Not the drop A drone that CE has. And there's more lead work. And the bass is more simpler.
GEAR
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Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
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#9
Quote by Weeping_Demon7
That's kinda what it was based on.

But it's not a rip off. The rhythms kinda match but there more open chords and stacked power chords. Not the drop A drone that CE has. And there's more lead work. And the bass is more simpler.


The lyrics are almost identical. The song structure is identical.

Your version:
Walk away
Purge your soul of me
Erase all the memories

They only bring us tears
And I've seen...
...not all I need to see.

Muse's version:
Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
That only bring us pain
And I've seen...
...all I'll ever need.

That's not the only ripoff, the whole song is riddled with them.
#10
Quote by mrawesome2142
The lyrics are almost identical. The song structure is identical.

Your version:
Walk away
Purge your soul of me
Erase all the memories

They only bring us tears
And I've seen...
...not all I need to see.

Muse's version:
Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
That only bring us pain
And I've seen...
...all I'll ever need.

That's not the only ripoff, the whole song is riddled with them.


I'm not saying I didn't use them for inspiration. But the melodies are different. There's loads of different things but you can't see them unless I did a GP5 full track of it.

But yeah, I can see where you make the connections.

And yeah. The structure is the same. But I can find loads of songs that are like that.
GEAR
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#11
Well, I'm not saying your actual song isn't original, just the lyrics. But by structure, I don't mean just the layout of the song. I mean, all songs have verses, bridges, outros, whatever. This is exactly the same.

Heavy verse
Heavy chorus
Soft arpeggiated verse 2
Soft arpeggiated chorus with more movement
Heavy riff
Noisy solo
Heavy chorus
Piano ending

It's exactly the same as Citizen Erased. Even if there was another song exactly like that (I'm sure there is somewhere) this is too similar, considering the lyrics are almost a direct copy.

Now I feel like I'm getting trolled though
#12
Quote by mrawesome2142
Well, I'm not saying your actual song isn't original, just the lyrics. But by structure, I don't mean just the layout of the song. I mean, all songs have verses, bridges, outros, whatever. This is exactly the same.

Heavy verse
Heavy chorus
Soft arpeggiated verse 2
Soft arpeggiated chorus with more movement
Heavy riff
Noisy solo
Heavy chorus
Piano ending

It's exactly the same as Citizen Erased. Even if there was another song exactly like that (I'm sure there is somewhere) this is too similar, considering the lyrics are almost a direct copy.

Now I feel like I'm getting trolled though


No troll. Solo isn't noisy. It's more melodic and moving and faster. There's not a heavy out chorus, just straight from solo to third verse.

But I've said. Citizen Erased was a big influence. I also drew upon some HIM, some Coldplay, and loads of other stuff. Structurally and rhythmically yeah, and I used some of the generic lines because I couldn't think of anything better.
GEAR
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Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
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#13
First off thank you for the crit on my peice. Now down to buisness.

Brushing any references to this song being a copy of anything, I found that while the first half of the song stuck with me, and made me kind of wonder what you were going to do next, stick with it or try to move on, and I felt that connection there, when you ended it with giving the girl thet next move, letting her making your choice for you, It kind of made me wonder why you would do that and possibly get the same ending.

All of the above is good, you should be proud that I was able to make that connection with your peice. But it almost felt repetitive in the end, like you were only complaining and not taking action, it was just a constant "she does this she does that" instead of "Ok, you did that, what the hell am i going to do about it."

So in the end, my crit is almost philosiphical, and I apologize for that was not my original intention. But I enjoyed your peice, would probably like it better with music, just the ending needs a few tweaks so it doesnt go through a repetitive cycle.
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