#1
I wrote this a while back, and just now got around to posting it. C4c. Any input would be much appreciated.

I know you're happy, I know you smile
I know this isn't' near worthwhile,
But while you laugh and live your life,
I struggle so hard from this knife

Lodged in my back, from who I least expected
From the one I always protected,
From the one I'd give my soul,
Because of you I can't be whole.

You forgot so quick,
You don't think twice,
You moved along, payed no price.

But I'm still here, I'm still alone,
Abandoned, lost, left on my own.

You sure left quick once you had seen,
Your hand created something so obscene,

Vulgar, ****ed up, left to die,
Beat down, crushed, no time to try,

No regrets, just time well spent,
Learning that I never meant-
A thing to you, but you did to me,
Realization is the key.

My eyes are open, my mind is shut
I'm stuck inside this ****ing rut.

Don't want to hear, don't want to see,
How well you're doing without me.

I risked it all, and quickly lost-
So soon I found out how much it'd cost
Not just pain, or misery, but a piece of what was me.

So much time we spent together,
so long we were set up for failure,
You were always out of reach,
I tried to teach you from my mistakes,to learn from all the fakes,
I helped you with what you couldn't take.

I was there, now where are you?
I never knew you'd dissapear once things weren't clear.

It's not easy, it never will be,
Recovering from the pain you dealt me,
But alcohol won't help, I found out the hard way,
Nor will anything they say.

It's a mental battle, it can't be beat,
Until I accept defeat.

Ironic, yeah, but makes sense to me.
**** YOU, **** THAT, **** THESE MEMORIES!
#2
wow very long. not gonna do a stanza by stanza critique.

very emotional but i find it subtle like a baseball bat to the face.
I've been writing for a while on and off,but not to say i'm good at what i do, and i've found that swearing does not always make a piece more emotional. If anything i find that it rather turns the reader off. Of course i've seen it used where it does enhance the piece but it must be strategically placed. I think you can find a better way to express your feelings through other routes.
the first to the second stanza was very abrupt
stanza 7 was kidna awkward especially the last two lines.

the piece of advice i'd give you is to condense your thoughts into an image and then try and write. i find that kinda helps me, to try and imagine what i'm describing. instead of just writing words that express your emotion be like a painter and paint a picture. give it depth and scope. this is very superficial.
cheers. good luck.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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