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#1
Something I wrote. Disclaimer: I actually like modern metal like JFAC and Trivium(although a lot of it is lame).

1-Give your band a hopelessly awkward band name, preferably with a vague or nonexistent subject (exp. It Dies Today)
2-Alternativly, take a name from a children’s film (remember, you are brooootulz, but you have a heart)
3-Remember; you are heavily influenced by Lamb of God and Messugah-so make sure you overuse start/stop riffs and incoherent song structures.
4-Cite at least one 80’s pop-rock band as an influence. Poison and Whitesnake are acceptable choices.
5-As an alternative, simply get a Journey tattoo.
6-Make sure at least each member of you band has at least one of the following
-A fringe
-Shaved head
-Dragonball Z hair
-Greasy hair
7-Maintain a retro factor-cite either Guns n’ Roses or Iron Maiden as an influence.
8-Your knowledge or metal does not extend far beyond Metallica, Pantera and Slayer
9-Unless you play deathcore, which in this case your knowledge of metal extends all the way to the super-underground death metal of Cannibal Corpse and Suffocation.
10-Be ironic anyway you can! Make goofy faces in band photos, listen to bubblegum pop, whatever you want!
11-And remember, if anyone accuses you of being “gay” or “faggish” or “emo”, tell ‘em you are being ironic-they’ll understand, and you’ll all have a good laugh.
12-Besides, you always have your taste in music to fall back on (How can I be gay? I listen to Job for a Cowboy!)
13-Listen to Job for a Cowboy. This is non-negotiable.
14-While listening to JFAC, make sure to differentiate between their early stuff and later stuff (because they aren’t less than a decade old).
15-Tour with real death metal bands so as to attempt to win over new fans that otherwise wouldn’t give a shit about you if you weren’t opening for Necrophagist or Dying Fetus.
16-Remember, and this is very important-you may only listen to real metal IF and ONLY IF you are being ironic about it.
17-Examples: I like Venom-‘cause they’re satanic! Hah-hah! I like Korpiklanni-‘cause they use folk instruments! Hah-hah! I like Amon Amarth-‘cause they’re vikings! Hah-hah!
18-Huh? Their music? I dunno. I wish they had more breakdowns.
19-When asked to thoroughly and intimately analyze the various idiosyncrasies and textures of your bands music, say that you hope it “wants to make kids smash shit up doood”.
20-When filming a new music video, make sure to hire an old man to wander about aimlessly in your video. Even though he doesn’t have any real thematic connection to the subject matter of your lyrics, it somehow proves that you are intimately connected to your inner soul and wisdom. (see Darkest Hour, The Architects, The Devil Wears Prada, etc.)
21-In your videos, your singer should either point at the ground while the camera shakes (brooootul style) or fall on the floor and scream into the camera (emotional style).
22-You song lyrics should use the words “blood”, “memories” “heartaches”, “vultures”, “cancer”, “falling” “****” and “soul”.
23-Alternatly, sing about subject matter that was tired by the time Metallica clones sang about it in 1989.
24- Examples include “screaming, aiming and firing on this ****ing battlefield” and any reference to thrashing in a mosh pit that is not in a song entitled “Whiplash” or “Bonded by Blood”
25-If you want to grow your hair out, remember not to grow it too long-keep it kinda short, for the girls.
26-No head banging allowed. Headbanging is strictly for lame 60-years old Judas Priest fans
27-Head bopping is allowed however. Even though you look like a dick doing it.
28-When broooootulz HxC moshing, be sure you are able to differentiate between “throwdown”, “spin-kick”, “2-step”, “3-step”, “waltz”, and “jazz”.
29-Remember-a pair of American Eagle plaid shorts goes with everything!
30-Purchase an Iron Maiden, “The Trooper” t-shirt, despite the fact that you have no clue what a “Piece of Mind” is.
31-Act as though your bands fusing of puck and metal is unique and original.
32-Because Suicidal Tendencies and S.O.D. do not exist.
33-On a side note, Bring me the Horizon is grindcore.
34-And Napalm Death is not.
35-Yeah right.
36-When giving interview, try and describe everything in the whole entire universe using only the words “Metal” “Punishing” and “Brutal”.
37-Listen to Katy Perry.
38-When asked why you listen to Katy Perry, say “Metalheads shouldn’t be so close-minded.” You listen to pop yet play metal? Wow! In this manner, you have asserted your masculinity
39-Sorry, I mean you have asserted your broooooutulz metulzzz.
40-If someone refers to your band as “emo” or “scream”, laugh and point out that you play metal.
41-Now go put on your skinny jeans and wash your fringe.
42-In every interview that you do, talk about how you are breaking ground by combining heavy riffs and harsh vocals with melody.
43-In other words, your choruses wouldn’t sound out of place in a Justin Timberlake song.
44-Sing about the state of the world and how evil it is with all the war, famine, and disease around. Ignore the fact that you live in Middle America and know approximately jack shit about the rest of the world.
45-Dedicate at least one song a gig “to the girls”. Extra points if you are being ironic about it. (See rule 10)
46-Sweep.
47-Refer to mallcore bands like Coal Chamber and Limp Bizkit as “shit”
48-Even though are tackling the same basic themes of suburban teen angst.
49-Any metal band from before the Myspace era is cheesy and corny, and should be listened to only with a liberal dose of irony (see rule 10).
50-Unless you are talking about broooootulz death metal like Cannibal Corpse or Suffocation.
51-Having your vocalist emulate the sounds of barnyard sex is always an effective way of asserting your bands brooooootulzity.
52-Lets be blunt. I’m talking about gay pig squeals.
53-Your guitar tone should be paper-thin and trebly.
54-The guitar players in your band should play either Ibanez or ESP, preferably Strat and Les Paul copies.
55-On a side note, Fender is the biggest joke in the guitar industry, and did absolutely nothing for the art of guitar and amp manufacturing.
56-The more FX boxes you have, the better your tone will be, and the more chance you will have of getting on the cover of Guitar World
57-When recording your songs, be sure to bury the bass.
58-Ideally, the bass player of your band should be nothing more than a prop of which to pop a fringe on and impress the girls in the crowd.
59-Sweep some more.
60-Raid your local Hot Topic for band wear.
61-As an alternative, just dress like a hipster (see rule 10)
62-Raw productions are sooooo ‘90s. Super-polished, hyper-glossy productions are in!
63-Your parents are able to afford your bands recording costs. Super-polished, hyper-glossy productions, here we go!
64-Claim that you are progressive.
65-Who are ELP and Yes? ‘60s hippies bands?
66-Claim that you are jazzcore.
67-Whats a bebop? Miles who?
68-Claim that you are mathcore.
69-Except you failed math class.
#2
70-If your musical tastes are unusually eclectic, cite blues music as an influence.
71-By this, it means you can stumble your way through “Whole Lotta Love” or “La Grange”
72-If you are a super metalhead, then you surely know from your extensive musical knowledge that metal was invented by Black Sabbath in 1938, further developed by Iron Maiden and that band with the gay guy in the 1950s, died around 1960, and was revived by Cannibal Corpse in 2002 when they formed with Corpsegrinder Fisher and Alex Webster
73-Your clean riffs should either be blunderingly dissonant or sappily consonant; tonal ambiguity is wack!
74-Make sure that your band has a “sick drummer” that doesn’t understand tempo or dynamics. Blastbeats all the way.
75-Record your first few albums with your singer screaming his lungs out. Have your singer blow his throat out screaming, have surgery, and return to the band as a clean singer. Now, pursue a more mainstream, radio-friendly direction. Claim you have “matured”.
76-Have your female fans refer to your music as “sexy”
77-Your female fans hate your music and simply want to bang your fringe-wearing bassist.
78-The author of this article is a loser ****-douchbag virgin 7-year old jerkoff with no life who doesn’t know real metal, and he should go suck great sweaty donkey balls while listening to his favorite bands, Fall Out Boy and the Jonas Brothers. Modern metal like Job for a Cowboy is probably too intense for him!
79-If you are emotional, sing about cancer.
80-If you are super-emotional, become a Christian band
81-If you are a Christian band, one of your guitar players must be a stoner, beard wearing, Les Paul copy-player.
82-Your brand new deathcore band with no songs yet written is a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stale and stagnate metal scene.
83-Sweep even more.
84-Non-metal listening should be contained to Guitar Hero and Rock Band songs.
85-Guitar Hero is also how you were introduced to Slayer, Megadeth, Judas Priest, and Pantera.
86-(But don’t tell anybody.)
87-Sweep some more.
88-Spend as much time as possible smoking pot and going on Myspace, rather than actually practicing.
89-If you ever are strapped for time but need to write a new song, here is a good tip; Ultimate Guitar Tabs has a great Job For A Cowboy tab collection (hey, is anyone actually gonna notice?)
90-Listen to Job for a Cowboy. I know I said this already, but this is very important.
91-Besides, I’m running out of ideas.
92-Constantly whine about how much you hate Slipknot and how gay they are and how talent less they are.
93-Listen to Slipknot.
94-Are you done sweeping yet?
95-When someone asks you about Metallica shrug and say, “I don’t really listen to ‘em, I’ve moved on to heavier shit.”
96-Neglect to mention the fact that throughout grades 6-8, you listened to nothing but Metallica and spent most of your after-school time figuratively sucking James Hetfield’s **** with your suburban grade-school band
97-Whine about how gay scene kids and emos are, despite the fact that 99% of the human population is unable to tell your three cliques apart.
98-When interviewing for a new album, explain how your new record is “gonna be the heaviest one yet”.
99-The above statement effectively translates to “Its gonna suck just as hard as the last one”.
100-Becoming a born-again Christian is always an effective means to gain new fans that otherwise wouldn’t care about your music if you weren’t “RoCkInG OuT FeR xxxJeSuSxxx.
101-**** the rules; your band is breaking boundaries and pushing the envelope!!!
#3
I expect this thread to be full of "tl;dr"

Just read though, and it got boring after a bit. Some bits were amusing, though.
RIP Tom Searle.
Last edited by MH400 at Dec 6, 2009,
#5
If you don't wanna read it, don't post


Edit: Wasn't funny tbh
Check out my band Disturbed
Last edited by StewieSwan at Dec 6, 2009,
#6
Quote by StewieSwan
If you don't wanna read it, don't post

This, I'm fucking sick of this "tl:dr" 4Chan bullshit.

Quote by hazzmatazz
youmakemesmile...

Quote by sebastian_96
Today I stole a girls tampons for being such an annoying bitch.





MUFC


My love for you
Is like a truck
Berserker.
#8
I read it all, expected some laughs, got about 2 small chuckles
...Nothing you've ever...
...Planned on ever turned out...
...The way you planned...


...You're still disappointing them...
#9
Sadly everything in this list is very close to reality.
--Gear--

5 piece blonde sparkle Gretch drum kit

-Drummers need their own forum-
#11
'meh' at best. you totally left out 'dont be as good as old classic metal'

also 90% of the points you DID post were just continuations of the point above almost as if i started


doing this


to make it seem like i've used up more

lines.


1/10
Last edited by Lt. Shinysides at Dec 6, 2009,
#12
that was a disappointing thread
If you say Randy Rhoads isn't amazing, I will hunt you down (Same for Marty Friedman)Founder of Rhoads/Friedman pm if you want in..
"guitarists have a thing, where their guitar is like an extension of their penis.." well said, ozzy
#13
the black metal and prog metal ones were funnier

there seemed to be a much better sense of humour and genuine love for those styles while poking fun at the perceived flaws and some of the inherent silliness of those genres while this one just seems like a whiny bitchway to complain about a genre about a genre that the author is upset happens to be popular right now
I used to be a goddamn saint. I said my prayers and handled snakes until the road introduced me to sin. I only shook hands with drink but he had friends with him
#16
Very obvious that TS doesn't really "understand" metal. Not trying to sound any more knowledgeable than him or anything, but any metalhead would look at this and realize this guy's pretty out-of-touch with observable traits of the metal scene
#17
The list only contains 10 different points. Then reworded differently. And repeated 10 more times
MY GEAR:
PRS SE Custom 24
Jackson DKA7
Gibson Explorer
MESA/Boogie Express 5:25
BOSS GT-100

BOSS TU-2
Dunlop Cry Baby Classic
BOSS NS-2
VOX Joe Satriani Ice 9 OD Pedal
VOX Joe Satriani Time Machine Delay Pedal
Ernie Ball Strings
V Picks
#19
You wasted your life typing all that.
"Breasts the size of watermelons" is what Moses said to the Egyptians
#20
Quote by piratemetalhead
Very obvious that TS doesn't really "understand" metal. Not trying to sound any more knowledgeable than him or anything, but any metalhead would look at this and realize this guy's pretty out-of-touch with observable traits of the metal scene

this
#22
i smiled a bit at it and you certainly get points for effort, huzzah!
#23
26-No head banging allowed. dont think this should be on the list i dont head bang but i see tons of people doing it at concerts
Very Orange CARVIN DC 700
PRS SE Custom - crunch lab&PAF pro
Ibanez GRX40 - modified
Peavey Valveking 112 w/ 2x12 cab

Originally Posted by Shirate
The guitar, the only beautiful female that looks better with the top ON haha

Transformice
#24
102. Don't be nearly as good as Necrostroodel will be.

That's right. You just wait.
I'LL PUNCH A DONKEY IN THE STREETS OF GALWAY
#25
Damn this is funny, yet somehow with UG's "extensive JFAC tabs" there are no decent tabs for Embeded!
[HARLEY-DAVIDSON]



When the world slips you a Jerffrey...

Stroke the furry walls.
stroke the furry walls.
#26
Total crap list. Not even really funny.

"You're being ironic!" That just sounds incredibly dumb. No one would ever say that.

Fail.

EDIT: I was kinda harsh. I had a few chuckles, but not many.
Last edited by skaterskagg1 at Dec 6, 2009,
#27
Quote by ShallowEndings


I bet TS is a bit disappointed that his thread wasn't received like he expected.


Yeah I am, but whatever. If you don't it, just let it sink. No great loss to me.

Quote by fishmunky
the black metal and prog metal ones were funnier
this one just seems like a whiny bitchway to complain about a genre about a genre that the author is upset happens to be popular right now


If you had taken two seconds to read the very first words I wrote, you would realize that I enjoy modern metal music and I am glad that it's popular
#28
Quote by slayer1516
Yeah I am, but whatever. If you don't it, just let it sink. No great loss to me.


If you had taken two seconds to read the very first words I wrote, you would realize that I enjoy modern metal music and I am glad that it's popular


yeah i pretty much skipped right to the list, i had no idea you wrote it, figured it was copypasta
I used to be a goddamn saint. I said my prayers and handled snakes until the road introduced me to sin. I only shook hands with drink but he had friends with him
#30
sweep some MOAR!!! some of it was pretty funny, the other ones are..........................
#32
102:


E-------000---000---000---000---000---000--- etc.
CALL ME JOHN

MARSHALL JCM 2000 Amp head/Cab
White Synyster Custom 1/100
Rest of my rig on my profile!


Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on...


...Wrong.



This spot in Hell...


...Is where I belong
#33
Quote by IbanezRGS
102:


E-------000---000---000---000---000---000--- etc.

should be downtuned though
#34
Quote by IbanezRGS
102:


E-------000---000---000---000---000---000--- etc.


tune it down to Db, Drop C, or if you're feeling really adventurous try Drop B
#35
Quote by IbanezRGS
102:


C-------000---000---000---000---000---000--- etc.



fix'd


EDIT: ^ FFFUUUUUUUUU-
Last edited by Lt. Shinysides at Dec 6, 2009,
#36
This list sucked.


Also, assuming all modern metal is -core is just stupid.
#37
or you can play real metal
Quote by vulcan422
i wish i could see Children Of Bodom agen
Quote by red157
Granted. But you have to endure support by the Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers and a steaming turd.

1. Death
2. Children Of Bodom
3. Metallica
4. Megadeth
5. Pantera
6. Cannibal Corpse
#38
most of that's true in my experience with the "metal" scenes i've encountered.
#DTWD
#39
about 5 of those tops applied to metal, the rest was for ___core. im not sure how i feel so ile enjoy your inevitable anal rape from afar.
#40
there are no rules of metal bro
VERY METAL!
\m/
RIP Ronnie James Dio

Quote by metaldud536
RazorTheAwesome, if I was a Ditto, I'd transform into YOU

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Basically god wanted to punish people for getting educated/eating apples.

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