#1
song. on profile. c4c.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GffRO-MgRks

Unwritten Act

Scene one:
Open doors, the world collapses to the floors
are painted black to hide the scars and
all the tiny little histories beside her
sleeping form, washed over fire
and soft daylight that creeps in gentle from somewhere
just out of sight.

But girl, you couldn’t lose me if you tried x4

Scene two:
screamed through walls, and bleeding ears
like bleeding hearts for all to see, such misery
why don’t you leave her now? they cried.

Scene three:
A brief respite, a shining light, a single moment
out of time, just like a million more before,
a million reasons to stay behind,
just by her side
just stay tonight

But I don't want to lose you tonight x4

Scene four:
unwritten end, a chance again,
perhaps the worse was just a dream, awakening into daylight
loving smile, shining eyes

Girl, you couldn’t lose me if you tried x4

vocal ad lib.
Last edited by kdownes at Dec 9, 2009,
#2
I'll have to listen to this. It's poetic yet easily relate-able, which would make a beautiful song. Most everything about this was great.
#3
To be perfectly honest, I hated everything about this.

You sacrificed emotion for flow; you dropped charisma for bounce. This came across as hollow, uninspired, lacking voice, lacking tone, lacking delivery. There was nothing here that was raw, believable or uncliche. You are capable of delivering something meaningful, heartfelt and generally worth singing... even on a subject as ordinary as this; I've read you doing just that.

There was no Kyle here. There was no impact. I don't think I can tell you how disappointed I was coming across this. I love your work, kid.... but this was uninteresting and ordinary.
#4
"But girl, you couldn't lose me if you tried"

Simple, honest, vulnerable, and one of those lines that makes for a very good song.

As for the rest, it's nice and 'poetic' but you could try cleaning it up a bit and making it more concise to fit the music better. I feel like some of it is getting lost or just comes out ineffectively when it's necessary.
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