#1
metal speed demons going ninety miles an hour
filled with carseats and remote control airflow
and gadgets unexplainable
everywhere, everywhere,
everywhere
in front of every home.

white plaster houses with
green red blue black shutters
and matching green red blue black doors
sitting in a row
some with porches, some without but
essentially the same.

pants tshirts
socks shoes
skirts dresses
scarves maybe
bright colors but only with neutrals.

i could die of boredom.
i could die and it would be on the news
people would be upset just like
every other upset person on the earth
who believes their life is shattered


still
the sky is set in blazes every night
in pinks and golds that have made people believe in God
mountains
MOUNTAINS
covered in snow
or red orange gold leaves
or green oblivion
oceans swallowing the world whole
an endless moving torrent of life

a simple green leaf
with veins carved in from millions of years of creation
more precise than Michelangelo's fathoms
with engineering we took centuries to explain
flying off in the distance in the wind
WIND
(god's breath?)
(changes in air pressure?)
only to be raked
set in a trash bag
left to rot with old toasters in a landfill.


i sat in the coffeehouse and
despite the same group of girls
bitching and moaning about
whoever the fuck it was that had the same shoes,
i smelled the beautiful smell of coffee and cinnamon
smiled
and sat in awe of my ability to sense.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I really liked the rich imagery and liberal use of colors. The end was very nice too. Excellent
#3
I feel like this really picked up and took on a life of its own towards the end, especially in the last two stanzas. I mean, I thought the entire thing was well-written but the last couple stanzas had some evocative lines that really stood out to me.

Some suggestions:
i thought some of your descriptors could be revamped. For example, "metal speed demons" I personally thought was kinda generic and could use a little sprucing up. Also, I thought the article of clothing stanza didn't really add much. In my reading of it, it sorta felt unnecessary whereas the others had a certain flow between them. That stanza felt lost when I read it.

Other than that, I thought this was really, really good
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
I'm going to agree with STV, and say that some of it could be worded more eloquently, the descriptions and imagery could be a little more refined. I think you overdid the whole color idea just a tad. Not that you overdid it, but in the second stanza you are too quick to use it again, and it's a bit annoying.

Love the meaning of this.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
You've become so damn good at doing what you do. This piece knows exactly what it wants to say, right from the beginning. The pace build works perfectly, and the spacing and format just keeps everything locked together. Really good.
#7
Thanks everyone; I'm probably going to go through this and edit a few things in a week or so when it's not fresh in my head anymore. Let me know if there's anything of your's I can crit if I haven't already.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
Really liked the whole movement of imagery and settings here. Especially the ending, which is something I can imagine a lot of people could relate to.

All I could say about this specifically is probably using nearer to the same intensity you have in the middle of the lyrics in the introduction. I apologize for saying this, but I found the first two or three verses difficult to read through, because of the lack of any word that sparked an idea or image in my head. Just changing that would make this piece that much stronger and impacting.

All in all, a good and interesting piece. Thanks for writing this!

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1241592
#10
I thought your first stanza was easily the weakest link in all of this. Opening with "metal speed demons" is just begging me to compare your piece to Speed Racer and other horribly cliched and weak attempts at making something impertinent sound bad ass.

I thought your ending "sum up" stanza was also sort of a let down. You've built such a character; such an impatient (forgive me) bitch who can't wait for the world to bend down and entertain her... and then you jump tones to a simpleton who is happy with whatever the hell comes her way... I wanted more of your main narrator. I wanted more of that, because I related to that and that desire to BE more than average.

Other thoughts: I thought the clothes stanza didn't deserve to stand on its own. Not nearly enough delivery to justify the spacing. I hated the repeat of mountains. Seemed half-hearted... only to be punctuated with a gimmicky capitalization idea.

Otherwise, I loved the pace, and really enjoyed this piece.
#11
capitalization of 'mountains' and 'wind' seems a bit over the top.
apart from the clothes thing, Zach pretty much nailed this.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#12
It was a pleasure to read that. I truly enjoyed it.

The imagery you used was astounding, and the different perspectives on said imagery you took also kept me thinking. Great piece, I look forward to more

Check out mine if you get the chance, I know it isn't your style, but I appreciate any crits. It's floating around the first page somewhere.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah