#1
The rapture on the lawn
These reincarnated comic khans
Faces painted, these discriminated
Ghosts of Christmas past
We’re not alone we’re not alone
Dew and grass and moving bones
The rapture on the lawn
Dew and grass and moving bone

Our paper staves wave out the shards
To control the leaflet obscure lords
Our mouths get parched, our salt tongues dart
Reincarnation, for our part
We are the necromancer’s kin
When we sit and spill and turn and sing
We’re not alone we’re not alone
The rapture on the lawn
Dew and grass and moving bone
#2
This is one of the most disciplined pieces of poetry you have written in god knows how long. Both thematically, lexically and metrically, it's superior to a lot of your recent pieces, imo.

I'm not going to pretend I love it (you have always had an affluence with religion I don't share; I'm not a huge fan of this sort of style. etc) but I won't let my genre tastes get in the way of trying to give you something constructive on this.

For startes though, and the only note that does invovle my personal taste, is I feel it needs the addition of proper and decent punctuation. Purely to improve the read and make more sense of this. IT's obvious from even the firs two lines, to me, that punctuation is needed.

Then again, these are most likely lyrics and thus you can ignore the previous comment.


Quote by #1 synth
The rapture on the lawn
These reincarnated comic khans
You get away with the consconance here.
Faces painted, these discriminated
Ghosts of Christmas past
We’re not alone we’re not alone
Dew and grass and moving bones
The rapture on the lawn
Really well-placed repetition of this line. Ties this thing together cutely.
Dew and grass and moving bone

Our paper staves wave out the shards
First line that's felt forced and out-of-sorts imo. "staves" isn't nice, and this line is editable.
To control the leaflet obscure lords
Our mouths get parched, our salt tongues dart
Reincarnation, for our part
We are the necromancer’s kin
When we sit and spill and turn and sing
We’re not alone we’re not alone
The rapture on the lawn
Dew and grass and moving bone


Like I said, the single most discplined and, imo, well-written piece from you in ages. A backhanded compliment maybe, but still, impressive.

You'll probably get wotw for this Lol. Secret Council love stuff like this.

And once more I want to read your next piece.

Keep it up Dyl.
#3
I can't add anything here that Jamie didn't already say except to state that you have become a technically skilled and highly disciplened poet, and that I always enjoy reading your work.
#4
You've come to really stand out from the other popular writers on here; the style is... something else. There's a myriad of thought behind it, and yes it is very disciplined as mentioned before. I admire you for being able to do that.
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#6
It's about reading. literature opens doors man.

so weird that people actually enjoyed this. so friggen weird. thanks for all your words.

Jamie: punctuation is something I always struggle with, chose not to put it in this time. you're right, of course. will edit accordingly. you're going to grow up to be a really great editor.

grasligi: are you looking for an explanation of those lines?
#7
I didn't like how a lot of this was stated.
But I admit it's good.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
I thought it was well done. Got what it was about without it being too over the top. A great read.
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#9
This was a skillful piece and you controlled the language perfectly.

but I felt you strangled it into position, maybe that's too harsh but I felt it was too disciplined for me to be able to enjoy it to the best it could be. I felt it was barked at me.

other than that, it was great.

If you could take a look at "know" for me i'd appreciate that.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1243663