#1
I wrote this song because i couldn't get the memories of this girl i loved for years. Song Starts: Why can’t I forget you? Why must your memory haunt my soul? Is this really my heart talking or is it my soul? Every time I bleed I need you. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. This is why I try. This is why I cry because I need you. Why does this seem so hard? It’s like being trapped in a house of falling cards. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. We all play your games, in hopes that all will remain the same. Will you ever see the survival of all that breeds inside me? The creatures inside my soul rip my heart into shreds every time you walk by. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. Ever since I was born, you were destined to be my thorn
#2
I really didn't like this. It wasn't profound at all - the topic, the way you approach it, and the comparisons/metaphors are all cliche in some way. The repetition of the words too was quite detrimental to the flow. Even the jumbled format was bad. The best part was :

Will you ever see the survival of all that breeds inside me? The creatures inside my soul rip my heart into shreds every time you walk by.

It had emotion and i felt it was the only part that actually mattered in the piece. Clean that phrase up, then follow suit with the rest of the piece and it''d be decent.
I'm not trying to be mean, by the way - I'm just trying to be honest. If you need more help or opinions with this piece or anything else, feel free to PM me.
#3
Quote by maidenvalentine
I wrote this song because i couldn't get the memories of this girl i loved for years. Song Starts: Why can’t I forget you? Why must your memory haunt my soul? Is this really my heart talking or is it my soul? Every time I bleed I need you. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. This is why I try. This is why I cry because I need you. Why does this seem so hard? It’s like being trapped in a house of falling cards. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. We all play your games, in hopes that all will remain the same. Will you ever see the survival of all that breeds inside me? The creatures inside my soul rip my heart into shreds every time you walk by. My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. Ever since I was born, you were destined to be my thorn


First you should separate different verses or parts, it will make the piece easier to digest. Second, I really like the line "It’s like being trapped in a house of falling card." it sounds great. Not to be brutal, but this forum is about constructive criticism, and I think the rest of the piece is just kind of one big cliche after the next. I don't believe you and what you're saying. You should try talking about specific instances with this girl, or how you really feel. Not that you love her, that's all good and well, but tell stories of you two together or WHY you feel this way about her. Also talk abotu how she looks possibly.

Also, how old are you? I'm not telling you the piece is bad, but is just seems as if you are relatively new to writing. The idea of a thorn in your heart is good, but I have some suggestions:
My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. Ever since I was born, you were destined to be my scorn.

or

My soul is lost, my heart is torn, it feels like you are my thorn. Every time I'm with you, I feel reborn.

Just some ideas for you, take my adivce or leave it, so no worries. Please crit mine when you get a chance, the link is in my sig. Good work, and keep on writing.
#4
i, for one, liked it. it is cliche, but it's a feeling that a lot of people experience. you should still clean it up and might consider different angles on the topic, but not everything you write has to be a profound new thought... it's actually really hard to come up with something that nobody else has thought of, if you think about it.

it feels like you are my thorn
^not digging that line

i also might not say 'soul' as much in the beginning. i dunno. i dont think its bad, but it could use some work.

crit me if you would like