#1
maps

Finally the frost
came down the long hills.
Roads named after numbers,
clambering home for Christmas.
restless but warm,
a hazy window candle,
still a shiver in the sheets.

And lonely on the mountain,
dim in the distance,
an irreplaceable glow,
that falling snow,
that western skyline
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#2
got any more of it???
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#4
I wanted you to develop the second stanza more. The imagery is so strong and specific in the first, but it feels ambiguous in the second. I wanted something more specific about the glow, as I was somewhat confused as to whether it was the skyline or something on the mountain. The glow/snow rhyme didn't work for me either.

Overall though, your imagery is very enjoyable and well executed.
#5
The end was a bit of a let down after the striking images created in the first stanza. It just sort of...trails off, I guess; which ruins any chance of this leaving a lasting impression.
#8
the glow of a western skyline is something in itself. maybe ill try to describe it more in another piece but i kind of want this to end with everything still in front of it. maybe that's not a good decision but for now at least, it is what feels right.

thanks everyone
michal, ill read your next one and try to get a little something in on it.


blah.
you're such a good writer. i want to read books of your words while lying in bed listening to soft music.


thanks especially for that. its too kind. im humbled.
it really means a whole lot that you think that.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Dec 11, 2009,
#9
This is how I feel as well about this. The imagery is so gentle and soft I do feel like i'm in bed, reading in bed.

don't know if you did this on purpose but i'd love the end with a fullstop.
#10
Actually, I liked the second stanza better,
the image may not be as elaborate, but the first stanza really just describes a standard snowy night in the boondocks,
but instead of trying to enlighten us on new pictures, the second stanza really reminds me of the image I know I've seen before,
makes me appreciate it again, really

well done, at any rate