#1
And as the dust begins to settle
on the rusted rose petals, that you left
on that charred, stricken threshold you created
and burned for a bandage of lies, blindfolded
by stereotypical masochism,

Sensitivity with a side of empathy,
something you better be, better,
procreate the masses, put the emphasis
on the overworked shackles under your pillow,
right next to your '45, minus a clip,

Individuality, just another fad story
every sheep with a price, a hoof,
and a future so bleak, first blood resonating
cries out with a shriek of a mother,
womb torn apart for the sins of another,

It's unfinished, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I wrote it on the spot, fairly sure it's going to be rap of somekind, RATM style. C4C!
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#2
Quote by Wulphy
And as the dust begins to settle
on the rusted rose petals, that you left <-2 good lines, if the end flows when you sing it
on that charred, stricken threshold you created <-These 2 lines sounds good
and burned for a bandage of lies, blindfolded but don't make much sense
by stereotypical masochism, <-this flows strangely as I read it

Sensitivity with a side of empathy,
something you better be, better,
procreate the masses, put the emphasis
on the overworked shackles under your pillow,
right next to your '45, minus a clip, <-great stanza, I love it

Individuality, just another fad story
every sheep with a price, a hoof,
and a future so bleak, first blood resonating <-first blood resonating doesn't make sense
cries out with a shriek of a mother,
womb torn apart for the sins of another,

It's unfinished, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I wrote it on the spot, fairly sure it's going to be rap of somekind, RATM style. C4C!



Overall, great work. Theres a few things that could use some work, but I like it. I can't hear the rhythm you're thinking so some of it sounded awkward for me, so just watch out for that, but if you have a rhythm that works well, great. Also, much of the vocabulary sounds great but doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Remember to include some "who's" "what's" "where's" "why's" and "how's" so the reader/listener can imagine themself in the song, or see it. If you'd like to crit one of mine the links are in my sig.
#3
Quote by Ramblin'_Man
Overall, great work. Theres a few things that could use some work, but I like it. I can't hear the rhythm you're thinking so some of it sounded awkward for me, so just watch out for that, but if you have a rhythm that works well, great. Also, much of the vocabulary sounds great but doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Remember to include some "who's" "what's" "where's" "why's" and "how's" so the reader/listener can imagine themself in the song, or see it. If you'd like to crit one of mine the links are in my sig.


Thanks for the crit. Yeah, I know what you mean, I wrote this on a whim, just a stream of thought, it flowed nicely the way I imagined it. I'll get to your piece as soon as I eat
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#4
Quote by Wulphy


Individuality, just another fad story
every sheep with a price, a hoof,
and a future so bleak, first blood resonating
cries out with a shriek of a mother,
womb torn apart for the sins of another,



That is fantastic.
I find the parts to be a little to wordy and metaphoric for my liking, but that's just my preference.
I'm an asshole.
#5
Theres littlen to say that could do this song justice. I find that your interesting and new spin on modern happenings coupled with old time "farmyard" idealism to be fantastic. I love the last verse as it ties it all together while giving some new information. Thanks for the crit on my peice and I cannot wait to hear the rest of this song.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#6
Quote by PCADriven
Theres littlen to say that could do this song justice. I find that your interesting and new spin on modern happenings coupled with old time "farmyard" idealism to be fantastic. I love the last verse as it ties it all together while giving some new information. Thanks for the crit on my peice and I cannot wait to hear the rest of this song.


Thanks a lot man
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#7
Each Stanza seemed very removed from the last and next, even so far as some lines seemed to just be rambling between themselves. It lacked definition or direction which is a travesty, because some of it really went well together as far as how the words rolled from the tongue.

I will say this, I loathed your title. I felt like this demonstrated very little as far as control of narration and techniques. Some rhymes seemed either weak or forced while others came across as quote smooth and comfortable.

I'd say go back and attempt to make it fit together and actually "go somewhere," as well as smoothing hte edges and make it not come across as jumpy and half-thought through because some parts deliver and others don't.

If you could, Holiday cheer in sig.
#8
Quote by Wulphy
And as the dust begins to settle
on the rusted rose petals, that you left nice little rhyme, but odd place to put a break
on that charred, stricken threshold you created
and burned for a bandage of lies, blindfolded
by stereotypical masochism, those two words sound so forced together, like a clusterfuck of syllables

Sensitivity with a side of empathy,
something you better be, better, odd line break again
procreate the masses, put the emphasis
on the overworked shackles under your pillow,
right next to your '45, minus a clip,

Individuality, just another fad story good line
every sheep with a price, a hoof,
and a future so bleak, first blood resonating
cries out with a shriek of a mother,
womb torn apart for the sins of another, great use of rhyme

It's unfinished, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I wrote it on the spot, fairly sure it's going to be rap of somekind, RATM style. C4C!


The flow is just a bit off. Maybe if you read it aloud and reconsider the placement of a few words or possibly even word choice itself, it could be highly more effective in meaning (which is great, btw). Just remember that if this is a song, your use of words is limited - while something might sound great in conversation or prose, it might stick out like a sore thumb and just be cacophanous when put into a flow of sorts.


I always like reading your pieces; you've yet to fall into the melodramatic trend that a lot of the writers here have become a victim of. Keep me posted
Quote by Arthur Curry
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