#1
So I wrote this in this kinda dramatic frame. I got the idea from a Bon Iver song that uses alternating view points every line.

Basically, the premise is the break up between a couple. What I want critiqued is 1) does it make enough sense. Can you regurgitate what you read? 2) does the rhythm work? I know it's kinda hard to feel it, but does it work closely enough? 3)Are they lyrics good?

But don't read anything outside of the quotes, it's just how the lyrical story works. There's only one singer, and I don't think that I'd change voices for every line.

[Chorus]
Her: "Can we please just end this tranquilly?"
Him: "Would it be too much to explain to me?"
Her: "You've been too much for me to deal."
Him: "Then why am I still around here?"
Narrator: "...and that's how it began"

[Verse I]
Him: "She's means everything to me"
"She's beautiful and graceful and so surreal"
"It's a reason to get up..."
"...when the morning comes"

[Chorus]
Her: "Can we please just end this peacefully?"
Him: "Would it be too much to explain to me?"
Her: "You've been too much for me to deal."
Him: "Then why am I still around here?"
Narrator: "...and that's how it began"

[Verse II]
Her: "He talks so conceitedly"
"He's so close and sharp and too damn near"
"It's a reason to go to sleep"
"...when the evening comes"


[Chorus]
Her: "Can we please just end this peacefully?"
Him: "Would it be too much to explain to me?"
Her: "You've been too much for me to deal."
Him: "Then why am I still around here?"
Narrator: "...and that's how it began"

Her: "Say I give you one more chance..."
Him: "Would it be too much to extend?"
Her: "You've been too close way too long."
Him: "Is that so bad and is it so wrong?"
Narrator: "...and that's how it should of end'

[Solo]

[Chorus]
Her: "Can we please just end this peacefully?"
Him: "Would it be too much to explain to me?"
Her: "You've been too much for me to deal."
Him: "Then why am I still around here?"

Her: "Can we please just end this peacefully?"
Him: "Would it be too much to explain to me?"
Her: "You've been too much for me to deal."
Him: "Then why am I still around here?"
Narrator: "...and that's how it ended."
"...right here."
"...and that's why she defended...
"...him for so long."
"and that's how it ended."
"stuck here, like a bath tub overflown."
"...so long."
"and that's how it ended."


C4C
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Last edited by Weeping_Demon7 at Dec 9, 2009,
#2
At first I was skeptical at the use of different view points, it can ruin the imagery and the flow of the song. also, sometimes just as a reader is feeling connected to a certain viewpoint, that is ripped out from under him and he/she is forced to see the same thing from a different viewpoint. Somehow, you were able to avoid both those things and come out with something clever and entertaining. It also very real, which I like as I can see it as an actual conversation minus the narrator. Im not so sure about the last two narrator lines, I think you could do better than ending it so simply without the feel and reality that is envisioned in the rest of the song. Overal good work, and I commend you for going where few writers dare.

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#3
old idea of mine


like

seriously old


but it can be quite a good concept, i feel more emotive language would have brought your characters to life.
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#4
I felt this piece could have been a lot better. The concept was great, but the execution was not. You could do much better than this, you're a talented writer. Add some more imagery, bring the characters to life a little bit.

If you have time, my piece is floating around the first page.
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#5
Quote by PCADriven
At first I was skeptical at the use of different view points, it can ruin the imagery and the flow of the song. also, sometimes just as a reader is feeling connected to a certain viewpoint, that is ripped out from under him and he/she is forced to see the same thing from a different viewpoint. Somehow, you were able to avoid both those things and come out with something clever and entertaining. It also very real, which I like as I can see it as an actual conversation minus the narrator. Im not so sure about the last two narrator lines, I think you could do better than ending it so simply without the feel and reality that is envisioned in the rest of the song. Overal good work, and I commend you for going where few writers dare.

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#6
Quote by Weeping_Demon7
I'm your first reply.


Lol sorry, habit.
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#7
At first i thought that this idea won't be so hot, i thought that it would be clunky and not able to flow and all, but you were able to make the piece flow very nicely. I agree that you could've used some better imagery, but all in all I though it was a very well done piece and unique also.
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