#1
and yes, it has a lot of wierd lines and flow problems but if people could help me by suggesting small changes that would be rly gd cheers, i also have no idea what its about i just wote some words one day and a verse appeared and then i kinda just improvised the rest with no real meaning and then somehow the chorus didnt turn out to bad i dont think

you knew to exploit my fears
to release blood and my tears,
to keep teasing death, she never appears
same old story, same five years

(ChORUS)
id be richer in wealth if you depart
but sickness stole my health at the start
you said to love and cherish my heart
but youre ripping it out, til death do us part


i'll leave when pain is exerted
you'll never leave me converted
to a twisted wreck, perverted
im nothing but a victim deserted

CHORUS

these words are but sequential
you made me the wasted potential,
this song wont be confidential
and ****, hate is conditional
Peavey Valveking 212

Ibanez S520EX in grey
#2
very cool rhyming.

very last line fits the worst though, as all others end with -ial, and that ends with -al. Makes it sound different.

Reminds me a bit of early Breaking Benjamin, where every line rhymes.
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#3
Now, in general, when a song rhymes this much, Im prone to go on an uncontrollable rampage of "NOT EVERY EFFING SONG HAS TO RHYME!!" However, lucky for you, before I went on that rampage I noticed that your rhymes werent forced, they flowed extremely well and actually made sense THey also gave the song a rthymn to think the lyrics to yourself to. For your first song its quite impressive i must say, and I think that with that kind of powerful lyrics, you could go far.

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