#1
It's been a long time since I was on this site. Crit4Crit, as always. Thanks!


In a dream
I sat upon the sidewalk
And smiled at the earth
for a spell

I played with all the creatures
that came to pass me by

The beatles and the bees and the rollie polie bugs
shared in my content for the sun

But as the last of my friends fled I grew
Sick inside my head
I found with great sorrow that the sun had misplaced it's smile

And as he donned his shades
I was forced take mine off

The earth and sand around my hand
was now no more than barren land
and the baseball I used to pass the time
cast the longest shadows, eclipsing the sun

When I awoke I retreated to the coast
To enjoy the surf a while -
the waves
were gray
and the sand -
glass
that stabbed
into my
eyes

Blinded to it all I employed the driftwood as a crutch
I recalled my creatures
asked them to come help, but not a one
came to hear my cries
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#2
Quote by DrkNTwstd
It's been a long time since I was on this site. Crit4Crit, as always. Thanks!

I like exclamation marks, they seem energetic and happy.

In a dream
I sat upon the sidewalk
And smiled at the earth
for a spell

Taking into consideration how the piece develops, this is a good start. The simple language keeps it, well... simple, and leaves a lot of room for you to develop the piece.

I played with all the creatures
that came to pass me by

The beatles and the bees and the rollie polie bugs
shared in my content for the sun

I would prefer to see another four line stanza. Why? It keeps the quaint, childlike feel you had going, and gives the piece and aesthetic feel of structure. Erm, beetles is spelled wrong, and "rollie polie bugs" is definitely overkill on the cutesy language. Keep it simple, but keep it strong. "content for the sun" - you haven't mentioned the sun prior to this, so it does come out of nowhere and really comes across quite poorly and faux romantic. Alternatively, saying something like, "warmth of the sun" as opposed to just "sun" expands your character and doesn't provide any overpowering imagery - keeps it quaint and while still simple, adds depth.

But as the last of my friends fled I grew
Sick inside my head
I found with great sorrow that the sun had misplaced it's smile

Why are your friends fleeing? What friends, anyway? Bad choice of language in that first line. I love that line break though, it feels awkward and really emphasises the change of feel. The last line is very tacky and horrible imagery, if I'm being entirely honest. I won't offer an alternative because I'd be changing your piece too much, but please think about cutting out the horrible metaphor and replacing it with something softer and less definite.


And as he donned his shades
I was forced take mine off

See above. It's so tacky it hurts. Plus bringing in a physical attribute/accessory to the narrator breaks the surreality of the piece. I'm repeating myself, but keeping the language/imagery strong but soft is going to benefit you a lot.

The earth and sand around my hand
was now no more than barren land
and the baseball I used to pass the time
cast the longest shadows, eclipsing the sun

Another "eh" stanza. Saying both earth and sand is kinda repetitive and ultimately of little purpose. Try stronger imagery in the second line, I want to really feel the contrast in perception and emotion. Last two lines are confusing and once again bringing in something added (the baseball) snaps me out of your dreamlike feel and kinda kills the mood.


When I awoke I retreated to the coast
To enjoy the surf a while -
the waves
were gray
and the sand -
glass
that stabbed
into my
eyes

Why the formatting? It doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose. Using "coast" is a bad idea, it's really got no poetic value, same with "surf". The sand metaphor is pretty weak and the stabbing thing is tacky too.


Blinded to it all I employed the driftwood as a crutch
I recalled my creatures
asked them to come help, but not a one
came to hear my cries

Final qualms; "Blinded" is a bad word to start. It's... tacky, again. "employed" is also probably not your best available word, as it feels too complex in context. Last two lines are really not built up to.


Okay, so you don't explain why the creatures leave, and thus don't really justify bringing them back as a closer, thus leaving your ending very weak. Your language and structure need refining. They're all over the place and that hinders you. Work on creating a stronger contrast between the carefree feeling early in the piece to the loneliness and decay of the latter part. Give me some explanation as to why this happens - does some decrepit product of human existence interrupt your dream somehow? as in you hear an argument from an above apartment or something (don't take me too directly here, i'm just giving a poor example of what i mean) which reminds you that life is not perfect and frightens off your creatures, etc. This could be brought back with another reminder at the ocean.

I'll stop there because I'm just typing as I think and probably am rambling. Overall I see potential, or else I wouldn't have commented. Just work on the few things I mentioned and you'll have a nice piece.

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