#1
god dammit..


There's a highway and cars are droning by
pounding the
din din din
of engines,
millions of engines,
straight into the back of my skull
and this computer screens frying my eyes,
carbs are now killers while
communication causes cancer,
what with all these radiowaves
rattling around inside my head.
go on and cut a chunk of my nose out,
that bump's unsightly.
carbs are good for you, dumbass.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
hm. Interesting.
"Din din din"
I'm not sure if I know that sound. Is that good or bad? I dunno. Makes me think about it though. However, I really hate that line break. I would tag the "din"s onto the previous line but keep "of engines" by itself. Maybe throw in an adjective to describe those engines as well if you feel the piece could benefit. (if you add an adjective I would assume you would repeat that adjective again as well)
carbs seems kinda lazy. I would rather see carbohydrates or calories.
also, if I recall correctly; it's the microwaves in cell phones that some believe can increase the risk of cancer. not radio waves

go on and cut a chunk of my nose out,
that bump's unsightly.

Unless this is referring to some ugly pimple.
I haven't the slightest idea what is going on...

Was decent. Feels like a filler piece. Filling in the gap until the next good piece.

Sig please.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Dec 10, 2009,
#4
I actually liked this. I related to the voice of it. And if you wrote this while having a headache, I commend you. I can barely perform menial tasks with one, let alone connect ideas and write a poem.

I do agree with ninja monkey that this felt like it was filling in the gap until your next piece. I'll give you a much better crit when that comes.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
scattered, all over the place, an overwhelming amount of sense and instructions, with everything flying everywhere in random directions.

definitely how i feel when i get a migraine.

nice work
Grammar and spelling omitted as an exercise for the reader.
#6
I've never heard an engine that went "din din din",
this kinda fell uncomfortably right between subtle and explicit
#7
din isn't so much a noise as it is a noun that I just kind of used as an onomatopoeia. By definition it's "A loud continued noise, especially a welter of discordant sounds".
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Dec 11, 2009,