Till the morning comes
we can stumble over lines,
juxtaposing you and me
against breathing colours,
so when our embers die out
we'll survive out here in the cold and
I just hope that is good enough for you.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 13, 2009,
I'm little bit lost as to what this piece is actually about, I quite enjoy the imagery but I just can't seem to add it up. Maybe thats the point though. I also think the word "me" in the line
"juxtaposing you and me" should be changed to an "I", not necessarily for the grammatical implications but just because I feel it would flow better. Thanks for the crit.
I'm an asshole.
I like this. Not so sure if 'and' is so terribly important that it deserves its own line..

That's the only thing that bugged me though. good work.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
i like it a lot also. the last line really ties it all together. from what i understand from it, it has a nice message too. nice job.
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Quote by Hendrix_fan_14

Till the morning comes
we can stumble over lines,
juxtaposing you and me
against breathing colours,
so when our embers die out
we know there’s enough space
to survive out here in the cold
I just hope that is good enough for you.

This is mostly my take; so take from it what you will... my style (or lack there of according to many) doesn't fit into this category much.

I thought your breathing colours line; though pretty, fell flat on the landscape you had painted. You've created a minimalistic expression of a couple finding strength and warmth against each other... then you toss in this breathing colours which adds an extra but unexplored dimension with a modifier that doesn't sit within the realism context your building. Who breathes colours? No one. So why would you through that into a rustic, greyscale (cold) landscape? If you notice, this is the only image you describe that doesn't directly follow down the line of minimalism and a "harsh and cold" background you set up through sharp modifiers, strong descriptors, and a lack of general warmth in tone... which really sets it out as a falling point.

"we know there's enough space" was a complete filler line. You know what leaves when you take that line out and replace it with a single word in the next line (ie: "we'll"), nothing. You don't lose any descriptors or painting to the scene, you just remove an unnecessary brushstroke against your canvas, which makes the piece feel freer and breathable.

I also though that setting 'and' out on its own was a poor stylistic choice; if you tuck it back on the line before the end, you heighten the sense of urgency; you cause the lines to read together and deliver a more heartfelt and less "gimmicked" structure to your ending, which leaves an air of completeness and genuine beckoning which I find refreshing.

All in all, you did a lot with a few lines... but I still felt like you tucked in a few lines to many and really damaged the strength that comes from minimalism and the cold atmosphere you built in this. I started to enjoy this, but feel like you could really review it and find ways that better express you and the atmosphere you wanted to deliver in this.

If you could, c4c on any of hte links in my sig would be great.
Thank you for your lengthy crit.

The idea of the 'breathing colours' line is referring to writing in itself and I then contrast that against a real couple, a 'breathing couple.'

I can see what you mean about the minimalism though, and I took on those suggestions you made. I'm going to go over this I think, once again thank you for taking the time.

I'll check out some of them in your sig.