#1
I pity you. She'll never laugh at your jokes like she laughs at mine, or play with your fingers like it's the first time she's felt them. I've still got her heart lying around here, somewhere, and it's not like I have any use for it. I've been meaning to return it but she hasn't asked for it back, and who has the time to find a post office?
She tells me about you. It's been three months and I still don't know who she's referring to when she says your name. It's been three months and she still talks about you like some guy who tried a cheesy pick-up line at some college-town coffee shop poetry slam.
I never asked for her to love me.
Don't give up. It's not over until she says it is. We both know she's too smart to delude herself much longer, so if you care like I hope you do, hold on tight.
Her favorite color is green, like my eyes, and Quentin Tarantino movies make her horny---scratch that, she's always horny. Tarantino flicks just remind her of it. Hope that helps.
I begged her not to love me. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She's flying out on New Year's. Not my idea. I'll try my best not to **** her for you, it's the least I can do.
Hang in there pal, she's worth it.

Best Regards,
The Man Who Set The Bar too High

p.s. Don't say a word about Cookie's lazy eye. That cat is her life.

p.p.s. I'm sorry.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Dec 11, 2009,
#2
I felt there were several places in here where this piece shined and there were several where it didn't. First off, I love the idea of it. It was very clever to approach a worn-out topic in this way and I think that what is carried this piece through. The idea of this is what won me over in the end. I also thought the personal touch of this (the favorite color, Tarantino movies) was great.

As far as room for suggestions, there were a few lines that irked me a little but they may well be personal things. For example, "and who has the time to find a post office?" I thought was a little corny. Also, the first p.s. I think would be better served where the color and Tarantino movies are and then you'd just have p.s. I'm sorry. I personally feel that would read better.

Finally, something I'm struggling with and something I think you should explore is the narrator's seeming ambivalence towards this girl. It is clear that her feelings for him aren't reciprocated (I begged her not to love me. It wasn't supposed to be like this) and that he hates his current position in this long-distance relationship. But then there are other times when you get the sense that he has some sort of feelings for her (Hang in there pal, she's worth it.) And then, the narrator says I'm sorry as if she is some sort of burden that "Iowa" has to deal with now. Anyway, these clashing views make this piece interesting but I feel you need to harness these differing stances and channel them to form a clear message. Because right now, I'm unsure what you want me take out of this. Hope that made a little sense.

But like I said, the idea of this was great as well were some relatable parts. Good job man.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
this is a literal apology letter haha
the "narrator" knows the girl is great and worth the hassle Iowa is facing. he cares about her, but he doesn't love her. he feels bad about things that are beyond his control and sympathizes with Iowa
thanks for the detailed critique

edit: here's a related piece, might help paint the picture
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21545793#post21545793
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Dec 12, 2009,