#1
I saw Her likeness in the scattered railroad spikes
Eroded heads that shone like coal
In the sun the wear and tear gleamed whole
Again, and I walked carefully,
Deliberately down the tracks, reading signs
That flashed “if you don’t turn back…”

Well my feet are so broken they regret
Nothing can fill my mouth that will whet
The sand that I’ve filled it with to keep the empty spaces
Few and far between my stomach grumbles sharp
Like a man whose phantom limb quickly tenses up,
And again shrinks back into the dark.

If I do turn back the pressure will crush me and
If I keep following tracks there is the hope that I will
One day find the Angel that will save me.

It’s as simple as that.
#2
I like this a lot more than the other one you recently posted. I feel you nailed the tone and atmosphere here.

'Deliberately down the tracks, reading signs
That flashed “if you don’t turn back…”'

really great.

not sure about 'It’s as simple as that.' It's starting to be implied in the poem and coming out and saying it takes away from it a bit.

I loved this regardless.
#3
omg! this was really good! you can tell you worked hard on this! and i agree with hendrix fan 14 about those lines they are trully amazing! =]
#4
Sounds great.

'Deliberately down the tracks, reading signs
That flashed “if you don’t turn back…”'

Those are two great lines. I liked the first half of the second stanza. That sand line works really well. Overall, great work =D

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1244134
#6
I dunno, man. To me, the rhymes seemed forced, and some of the line breaks seemed thoroughly unnatural.

This line makes no sense by itself, for instance:

Again, and I walked carefully,


And the regret/whet rhyme didn't work for me at all. If you meant "wet," I can kind of dig it, but if you're talking about your mouth sharpening (whet) the sand, then it feels like you used the word only because it rhymes with regret, and you rhymed it for no apparent reason, except perhaps that you had rhymed a couple lines in the first bit.

Your feeling for image is as sharp as ever, and your combination of bleak understatement and mythic portent is a unique gift. But I feel like I've seen better from you.

peace
Last edited by Nilchii at Dec 13, 2009,
#7
You've changed quite a bit. I'll come back to this.
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#8
As above stated, I too thought the rhymes sounded forced. I don't know, the flow was very heavy and awkward, like you had an idea in your head and tried to build around it but it didn't really mesh.

You're such a good writer. This is not one of your better pieces.
If you like this as is, of course, keep it as is. However if you don't really think it works as well, I would highly suggest taking the same idea and just writing a different poem. The underlying content of this is exquisite, the execution just wasn't quite on.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja