#1
This is a proper song, rather than a poem. Two verse stanzas, followed by a bridge, followed by a chorus. Repeat. Then follows an ending section. The feel of the song is equal parts Minor Threat, Jane's Addiction, and Down on the Upside-era Soundgarden. Enjoy!

"Sandbox"

I'm laying in mud
Playing with toys
That say no words

Not insecure
But make no move
A static mind

I want to believe that I've got something to say
I want them to know that I've got something to bring
To the crowded table you've got here

Can't I sit and talk
In your little sandbox?

Won't drag my feet
To take a swig
From that golden cup

Swing me underground
And in return
I'll take a voice

I need a handful of words to lead you on
Crash the urn to ground and gently sweep it up
It's the price we pay

To sit and talk
In your little sandbox

They came and went
Friends are dust
Caressing bone

My skin's still taut
Hair's still fire
Like a child

Toys breathing out
Words that shine
I just heard none

And if the sun forgot the moon
And said hello
I'd try again
Last edited by Chaingarden at Dec 12, 2009,
#2
I like this because I feel like you've done a good job expressing the passage of time with some uncommon imagery. The sandbox metaphor is used to discuss (at least, the way I interpret it) fitting in as an adult. This isn't really something I've read or heard used before, and I thought it was very creative. The only line I didn't like in there was "To the crowded table you've got here" at the end of the bridge. I read it over a few times and I just couldn't get it to sound right in my head. I'd consider reworking that line but other than that I like it. any plans to record it?
Andy Fox
Hard rock guitarist
I play a Jackson DK-2 and an Ibanez RG through a Peavey 6505+ stack
#3
I'll start by saying I enjoyed this quite a bit. Some parts didn't really reach out to grab me, like the stanzas with the golden cup and breaking the urn, but most of them were quite good. I actually liked the "crowded table you've got here" line, although I think it could fit a little better flow-wise if you worked with it a bit more. Overall, the sandbox metaphor for adulthood made me think of just how childish adults can often be, which was an interesting thing to think about. So even beyond being enjoyable, I got to thinking a little bit after reading this (thinking and laughing I suppose). Job well done. And thank you for the crit, good sir.
#5
I actually started writing this piece about writer's block. It was kind of a way to use surreal, dream-like imagery to describe something menial. As I kept writing, it morphed into something else. I'm not sure what the piece is about as a whole, but it gives me feelings of a little bit of frustration, innocence/loss thereof, loneliness, regret, and some visceral color. I'm glad you guys liked it.
#6
I've bolded the lines I thought were great, and underlined the lines that aren't great. Those that are alright are left alone.


I'm laying in mud
Playing with toys
That say no words

Not insecure
But make no move
A static mind

I want to believe that I've got something to say
I want them to know that I've got something to bring
To the crowded table you've got here

Can't I sit and talk
In your little sandbox?


Won't drag my feet
To take a swig
From that golden cup

Swing me underground
And in return
I'll take a voice


I need a handful of words to lead you on
Crash the urn to ground and gently sweep it up
It's the price we pay

To sit and talk
In your little sandbox


They came and went
Friends are dust
Caressing bone

My skin's still taut

Hair's still fire
Like a child

Toys breathing out
Words that shine
I just heard none


And if the sun forgot the moon
And said hello
I'd try again


I really, really like the last verse, and the part from "I want to believe" to the end of the first chorus is really, really good. Beautiful imagery there. The image of childlike things like sandboxes and toys juxtaposed with abstract thoughts is reminiscent of Kurt Cobain's lyrics - it's very grunge (no surprise you wrote it with Soundgarden in mind). Altogether an 8 out of 10.

I've got one. Want you to check it out: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1246066
Last edited by Severide at Dec 17, 2009,