#1
c4c or bj4c... your choice
wrote this in about 5 minutes at 3AM

I will go to college
Did you get a job yet?
I am going to get a raise
When should I retire?

Living in the future
destiny in your hands
But dreams from your youth
Have long been forgotten

Follow the path
Laid out before you
Obvious decisions
It’s the American dream

You can travel to Phoenix
Or to Philadelphia
But the road to Damascus
Will never be there

We’re stuck in the system
Creating the same lives
For all the generations
Concerns are the same

Culture tells you think different
Only to be more alike
You believe you are unique
But you’re just another wheel

Complain about politics
About wall street and jobs
Complain about the system
But nobody will change

It’s the system that wins
And it always will
The different are insane
The successful are genius
But when it comes down to it
There is no difference
And all in all
One and two are equal
Cause whatever you do
The world will always turn
Last edited by 21wickwing at Dec 13, 2009,
#2
Quote by 21wickwing
c4c or bj4c... your choice

I will go to college
Did you get a job yet?
I am going to get a raise
When should I retire? - Perfect

Living in the future - meh
destiny in your hands - meh
But dreams from your youth - meh
Have long been forgotten - meh

Follow the path
Laid out before you
Obvious decisions - all three lines are meh
It’s the American dream - good

You can travel to Phoenix
Or to Philadelphia
But the road to Damascus
Will never be there - this stanza's great

We’re stuck in the system
Creating the same lives - I think 'living' or 'building' would be better, take that as you will.
For all the generations
Concerns are the same

Culture tells you: think different or Culture tells you to think different?

Only to be more alike
You believe you are unique - 'believing you you're unique' wouldbe better, i think
But you’re just another wheel - didn't like the wheel bit, but this stanza has potential

Complain about politics
About wall street and jobs
Complain about the system
But nobody will change 'but nothing will change' or ' but nobody will change anything' fits better.

It’s the system that wins 'The system wins' would be better, I thought.
And it always will
The different are insane
The successful are genius
But when it comes down to it
There is no difference
And all in all
One and two are equal
Cause whatever you do
The world will always turn - this part's perfect


To clarify, I was listening to Megadeth before I read this, so that influenced how I imagined this being sung.

Hope I helped.
#3
I really liked everything up to the last four stanzas. After that, you were being to direct and the whole flow changed. I felt like i was reading a Beat piece at the beginning, and then it felt like a conversation. I would go with one or the other.
#6
Quote by 21wickwing


I will go to college
Did you get a job yet?
I am going to get a raise
When should I retire? - Perfect except for the third line, seemed like it had an extra syllable or something, but nothing too hard to work around I guess.

Living in the future
destiny in your hands
But dreams from your youth
Have long been forgotten - Interesting

Follow the path
Laid out before you
Obvious decisions
It’s the American dream - Nothing to really criticize here.

You can travel to Phoenix
Or to Philadelphia
But the road to Damascus
Will never be there - This seemed a bit strange. Damascus seemed kind of random, and as a whole this stanza just seemed a tad out of place. I think I must be missing the significance of something here.

We’re stuck in the system
Creating the same lives - I agree with the other guy, "building" would fit well here
For all the generations
Concerns are the same

Culture tells you think different
Only to be more alike - Kind of a generic way to express a common idea here.
You believe you are unique
But you’re just another wheel - Same thing as just above.

Complain about politics
About wall street and jobs
Complain about the system
But nobody will change - This is alright, although I wish the last line had some more punch for some reason, it feels like it doesn't bring anything new to the song I guess.

It’s the system that wins
And it always will
The different are insane
The successful are genius
But when it comes down to it
There is no difference - I don't like using the word "difference" so soon after "different.
And all in all
One and two are equal
Cause whatever you do
The world will always turn - These last four lines don't feel quite explosive enough for what seems to be a song of frustration. But that's personal preference I guess


There wasn't really much wrong with this, it just kinda lacked a real punch to it. However, reading through it I didn't really run into any areas where I really stumbled over the rhythm or anything. Mostly well-written, I feel like a little bit more varied/original imagery could have really set this song apart. All in all, I would say job well done, but it could be made into something even better. I'll pass on the bj, but how about a crit on New World. Thanks!