#1
Let me know if you guys have any better ideas for the title, I'm not a big fan of the one I've got right now. C4C.

When I was a child, I was the captain of my ship,
ruling the backyard seas with an iron fist and a stick.
With her plastic helm and sackcloth sails,
she was a vessel full of many tales.
From shore to shore and fence to fence,
the world was at my fingertips.
I fondly recall the exotic islands
that still bear my flag and my footprints.

But the world beyond that green ocean of yesterday
is not so easily brought beneath my colors
and the waves are much larger than I remember.
I read a book once about an explorer;
he burned his ships when he landed
to ensure his men wouldn't hesitate to fight.
He was a wise man, much like I hoped to be,
all those years ago when I faced my own New World.
Now, standing in the yard with matches in hand,
there is no retreat.
It's onwards and upwards,
there is no retreat.
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Dec 13, 2009,
#2
Quote by theoneandonlyq
Let me know if you guys have any better ideas for the title, I'm not a big fan of the one I've got right now. C4C.

When I was a child, I was the captain of my ship,
ruling the backyard seas with an iron fist and a stick. //I would say take out "and a stick" because fist works better to end that line on.

With her plastic helm and sackcloth sails,
she was a vessel full of many tales.
From shore to shore and fence to fence,
the world was at my fingertips.
I fondly recall the exotic islands //I think "lands" would be better sung than "islands"
that still bear my flag and my footprints.

But the world beyond that green ocean of yesterday //too many syllables
is not so easily brought beneath my colors
and the waves are much larger than I remember.
I read a book once about an explorer; //random I think you need to get a good transition with those last two lines. It felt weird to me.

he burned his ships when he landed
to ensure his men wouldn't hesitate to fight.
He was a wise man, much like I hoped to be,
all those years ago when I faced my own New World.
Now, standing in the yard with matches in hand,
there is no retreat.
It's onwards and upwards,
there is no retreat.


It had a nice beat to it that I could feel however I find the entire poem weak until it hits the explorer burning ships part. IMHO that is the only part of the poem that really hits the point the rest of it just seems like blabber. Overall I would say the first verse was OK, second verse was not good until it hits the explorer part and then its awesome if you catch my drift.

Thanks for the crit on my piece. By the way, the road to Damascus is an allusion to the conversion of Saul, persecutor of Christians, to St Paul, the man who single handedly spread Christianity throughout the Roman Empire. I saw that as road of CHANGE.