#1
lay here a little longer...
i dont know where it began or
where it will end
but
i can feel the night exhale from your skin
rise up into the air and dance like dust -
warm, warm
making us alone.

id never heard such sweet words drip off the mother tongue
watch them fall into a puddle of
cloves and cumin
krishna mischief
olive skin and
incense love.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Unless I missed things, this was simple and passionate. and I like it. 'but' getting a line of its own I don't like, nor the ellipsis in the first line.

cloves and cumin
krishna mischief
olive skin and
incense love.

That feels like it needs a comma or just something to separate anything.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I'm going to contrast ganoosh and say I liked the pause the flow got with a whole line being 'but'. I also liked the lack of punctuation at the end. As for content, I really liked it. Good piece
#4
Thanks I think I'll keep the lack of punctuation; I usually just go with whatever feels right when I'm writing.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
^ my choice of punctuation is quite similar.

your words are refreshing.

this ended at a perfect place.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 15, 2009,
#6
This is much better than the way you've been writing recently - which seems kinda cluttered imo.

The last three lines were an absolute joy to read! Really were.
#9
thanks guys. i truly appreciate it

AG I was afraid you had boycotted my pieces, haven't heard from you lately
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
Quote by vintage x metal
thanks guys. i truly appreciate it

AG I was afraid you had boycotted my pieces, haven't heard from you lately
I've kinda boycotted a lot of things recently. I've changed man!

Seriously, though, I still really, really love your writing style. Things are just different for me. Losing my band kinda took a lot out of me. I don't dare admit it though.
#11
Quote by vintage x metal
lay here a little longer...
i dont know where it began or
where it will end
but
i can feel the night exhale from your skin
rise up into the air and dance like dust -
warm, warm
making us alone.

id never heard such sweet words drip off the mother tongue
watch them fall into a puddle of
cloves and cumin
krishna mischief
olive skin and
incense love.


This was playful in a good way, and I liked that. Had a nice spring in its step; like a guy that just found he's getting laid in less than an hour... there was just a good balance of playful yet gloating yet innocent. However, I absolutely loathed the final 3 lines of your first stanza. All of your other images were so focused and brilliant... and that was abstract and... vague isn't the right word.... but there was some sort of dissonance between that image and everything else. Let's explore it real quickly:

i can feel the night exhale from your skin
rise up into the air and dance like dust -
Up to here, I was with you. The dance like dust image wasn't a personal favorite because it just doesn't seem to express a whole lot that really goes with the scene (at least the way it came to life in my head)... but I can live with it, because I can see that it could fit
warm, warm
making us alone.These two lines however; in the dyslexic words of Sum 41 (and the 90s) All Filler, No Killer. I mean, you stuck "warm, warm" on its own line. It's own line. It says nothing... and frankly says anti-something to me. So you have night exhaling from his/her/it's skin... k, but then you call on these adjectives in a way that their function of description can't really be fulfilled because the object is two lines ago? I dunno, it just irked me. Then your last line... warm warm made you alone? Is warm warm a person who just happened to leave you alone? I just don't see how the placement of these lines makes them fit... and beyond that, I really thought they were unnecessary. You've introduced two characters... at this point I'm assuming they are alone... why not end on the visceral/tangible image of night exhaling from skin?



Other than that, this really had a lovely feel... though I'm afraid I did get rather hung up on those two lines and that removed some enjoyment for me.
#12
Quote by vintage x metal
lay here a little longer...
i dont know where it began or
where it will end
but
i can feel the night exhale from your skin
rise up into the air and dance like dust -
warm, warm
making us alone.

A big thing of mine is having concrete things in a poem. You have in the second line 'it' as in you don't know where 'it' began. Well I don't know what 'it' is, so I have no sympathy, pity, joy, or any emotion because simply, I don't know what you're talking about. One could stretch and say it's you laying in the bed with the girl, but you don't say or hint at that at all. Specify what you're talking about. As far as the last four lines, technically her skin would be exhaling the night. Unless you'd cuddling with the night, which you're not, you're with her. Her skin reminds you of night time, not that romantic or well thought out when you word it correctly. Dance like dust, okay line, not that creative, lacks the needed build up to cap off the stanza. Warm, warm is a waste, filler, it doesn't have assonance, or any thing relative to why's its there, no internet rhyme which you need badly.

id never heard such sweet words drip off the mother tongue
watch them fall into a puddle of
cloves and cumin
krishna mischief
olive skin and
incense love.

Mother tongue? The original tongue? The tongue of your mother? What the fuck does that even imply? A tongue from Russia? A tongue from your old country. The language of your old country. The last one makes the most sense logically, but the idea of that and the way you've put it is so awkward. Especially the definite article of 'the' making this tongue, THE tongue.

And then at the end, you completely change gears and start talking about spices despite having no theme of spice, food, or taste at all in the piece. That's sloppy and lazy, and it's just there for description sake, and while not too shabby in terms of it, it just doesn't fit at all with what you've written. It's like:

Your hair smells great,
Your skin feels lovely,
and I love oregano!

Make it fit with what you've written or change what you've written to make the end fit. Work on your themes and your ideas.




-matt
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
I wrote this for the guy I'm seeing now, and he's indian. I hope that clears things up. 'mother tongue' is because I'm also Indian. All the references at the end have to do with that.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja