#1
wait
beneath your eyelids.
rain dissolving flesh;
building steam with grains of
salt.

You're so beautiful
the sun hides
when you hunt
for innocent hands
and turn soft
hard,
spurting lust
in moonbeam apartments.

sidewalks
lamplight
smell of rain
and Chinatown
soy sauce
as you pull a little harder
towards your heart with
my eyes;
ask no questions
nor refuse to
relinquish no answer

meaning obscures reason
#2
I dislike most of your line breaks, this seems like something that should have longer lines rather than short, raspy breaths. It feels too broken up. The weird formatting at the end is just gimmicky....it doesn't add anything to the piece. Take away the formatting, and you have the same exact thing as you have with it, minus a slight annoyance.

Thanks for the comment on mine.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Your welcome. Lately, I've been kind of experimenting with 'voicing'(?) and format. Been trying to see what works. Thanks Aaron.
#4
The line breaks need a bit of work. The idea is fine, and it's not the choppiness that bothers me so much as where the breaks are placed... they should be there for a reason. I've been trying to figure out why they are where they are (salt and soy sauce have no real reason to stand alone whereas wait and hard have some purpose)

Keep on experimenting though. Be daring You'll get a knack of whatever you want to do eventually
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I get many comments that my lines breaks are erratic, but how do I gauge where to put breaks? PM Me
#6
Actually I really like your erratic line breaks. It adds personality to your writing. I enjoy reading your stuff not only because of the interesting vocabulary, but having this style of line break makes reading interesting because it is so irregular it stands out.

@@@@@@@@@&@@@@@@
When looking at these symbols you all notice the & symbol before the @. This is because it is different. We all now how to write poetry with line breaks in the right places. But the poems that don't are the ones that catch our attention.

This probably doesn't make any sense but I hope it helps nonetheless. Keep up the good work Keep on Writing
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