#1
This is a song I wrote about a month ago. My band recently put music and a vocal melody to it, so I'll try to get an MP3 up on my profile soon. Until then, here are the lyrics. C4C, of course.

VERSE:

Some days,
Like these days,
I don't feel like myself
Anymore.

Some nights,
Like these nights,
I think of nothing but you
Anymore.

CHORUS:

Just as it always ever was,
And just as it always ever will be,
Drowning memories of us
In deeper seas of smoke and pills.

VERSE:

Someday,
Maybe someday,
I won't feel so ashamed
Anymore.

Some night,
Yeah, some night,
I won't feel so detached
Anymore.

CHORUS:

Just as it always ever was,
And just as it always ever will be,
Drowning memories of us
In deeper seas of smoke and pills.

VERSE:

Today,
On this day,
I don't need your jealous heart
Anymore.

Tonight,
On this night,
I don't need your lush regards
Anymore.

BRIDGE:

I don't call it revenge.
I don't call it revenge.
I don't call it revenge;
I call it getting even.

CHORUS:

Just as it always ever was, (Ever was.)
And just as it always ever will be, (Ever will.)
Drowning memories of us (Memories.)
In deeper seas of smoke and pills. (Smoke and pills.)

I don't call it revenge;
I call it getting even.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Dec 15, 2009,
#2
I'm really digging these lyrics. The first time I read through them I really didn't like how each of the verses ended with "anymore". I thought it was repetitive and maybe you could have used other words in the others verses to liven it up a bit. But I read it a second, and third time and the more I read and got a feel for it, I really began to like that. It grows on you I guess.

I don't know what type of music you are putting with it, but I got kind of a fast pace maybe punkish vive from reading it. Maybe along the lines of Taking Back Sunday or a band of their style.

One thing I'm not sure on is ending with the chorus repeated twice. Again, not knowing how the music with it is it may actually be great that way. But reading it, personally I would do some kind of riif or solo between the last verse and chorus then end with the chorus once, maybe with a slower guitar and lighter vocals. Then do a big ending on the last two lines perhaps. Just my opinion.

All in all though, great job
Can't wait to hear it
#3
WTF. For some reason, what I originally posted won't show up. Just an empty post. In my post history I can see the words, and when I edit they're all there, but they just don't want to show up in the thread itself.

Frustrated.

I PM'd you what I wrote
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..Bob Barker isn't dead.

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What if the NES breaks? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
Last edited by NakedBassist at Dec 14, 2009,
#4
I love the chorus, it's very powerful, the last two lines in particular. However, I feel like the verses are just generic and kind of cookie cutter versions of what they could be. I see the verses as foundations of a verse. You should take the message you're trying to give off and turn it into something a bit grander, something with more meaning to it like the chorus has.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1245315
#5
Thanks for the feedback guys. NakedBassist, the PM didn't go through; I appreciate the effort to comment though. You can try to PM me later if you want. That would be cool.

Shinedown923, Taking Back Sunday is actually similar to what we were going for here as far as the vocals go. The repeated chorus was our vocalist's creative liberty, but I do agree that it's just not working here. Anyway, I guess I'll post my original lyrics in a bit. Thanks for the critique.

ggolden91, I couldn't agree more to be honest. Again, the tacky verses are more or less our vocalist being lazy and not memorizing the original lyrics better. I'll get those originals up soon.

Thanks again for the critiques. I'll get back to some of your pieces right away. Peace.