#1
We used to build potato clocks in the bed of your dads chevy pickup
Threw them at passing cars while Sean drove (no one shotgun) and we hooked up
Hand over thigh over head under God
Smashed on windshields the broken spuds and the stripped wires and the frantic honking
Filled our bodies like molasses, weighed us into eachother
Hand over thigh over head under Stars
We were that one anchor every universe needs to hold it together



Five years later and I’m staring at the picture you slapped onto my refrigerator
Remembering how my hands blew your skirt higher than the cupboards
Home alone the night before you left for good, no truck or time,
Power outage had clipped the lights and lines, dead phones, rain-battered window cages,

Stranded to see faces we’ve took for granted again as they really are,
Seated against one another on the stained colorless couch, I was suddenly grasping at the chain
And your voice suddenly owned words that made me leave my handprints all across your cheeks
And the air took the blood that slunk out of your mouth into every speck of sand
Every ancestral relic that history created our eternal loving culture out of
Scattered like the remnants of a spiderweb cut open by a broom
#4
The capitalization at the start of every line irked me a bit, so did the complete lack of punctuation. However, what you were saying, and how you said it, was very good.
#5
I think the capitalization was right and good, but I'm with Kyle on the punctuation. The problem I had with it is that when you used it, you didn't necessarily use it correctly, and then you stopped using it altogether.

If you are going to punctuate the beginning and then quit punctuating to emphasize the rush of emotion, that's one thing: fine, beautiful. But do it correctly.

That said, you do rush-of-emotion writing as well as anyone in the forum, or better. The poem is lovely; I like it far better than the last one I saw, for instance.

peace
#8
punctuation, I'm with you. Trying to learn my lesson.

caps, well, thats just what microsoft word does and I just always forget to change it. Not sure if I want to change it though.. we'll see.

thanks so much you guys.
#9
i'd probably make love to this if i could. don't change a thing. i'll get back to your other piece, promise.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
Guess I'll be the odd man out.

Couldn't stand this. Came across as poetic for poetry's sake. The lack of concreteness and definite-ness (is that a word?) make me feel like this is something a high beatnik would snap his fingers to after tipping his beret and sipping on pretentious beverages. I finished and knew what it was about, because I know a bit of your situation... but this just seemed to carry so little weight for each metaphor and image. Like only using one color to paint a butterfly... it just lacked substance for me. It was airy and carried a nice tone; but I didn't find life or death or me or you in it... I just found words and lines.

Soz Cuz.

Read and bump from the pulpit in sig... you owe me at least one
#13
Absolutely amazing. This is pure poetry. I love abstract imagery, and it conveys the feeling of a unique relationship very, very well. You have a gift for articulating thoughts that people would die for. Consider sending your stuff in to magazines and the like.


9.75/10