#1
C4C

Now the leaves are growing back again
Which means that you are going home
And you are taking with you
A thin layer of snow

And the daisies grow in gardens
Pushing through the ice
The power of love prevails
So much unlike real life

And now the seasons come to harvest
and you have come to go
And even though I know
That you will go away
I wish that you would come, Oh how I wish that you would come
Oh I wish that you would come to stay

I hope the highway treats you well
And I hope you don't spend too much time
Checking in your rear view mirror
Hoping that I am behind you

And I hope that when you arrive
All the ones you love are waiting
And that their cold hearts have melted over
Because our season is fading

Now the geese are heading back up north
And you are going with them
And though the cardinals have come out to play
I think I'll stay inside today
Oh I wish you would come, Oh I wish that you would come
Oh I wish that you would come to stay
Last edited by ggolden91 at Dec 15, 2009,
#2
Quote by ggolden91
C4C

Now the leaves are growing back again
Which means that you are going home
And you are taking with you
A thin layer of snow

At first glance, this had no flow. But, after a second read, I really got nothing but flow out of this. Excellent imagery.

And the daisies grow in gardens
Pushing through the ice
The power of love prevails
So much unlike real life

Good job here. I love how you took a very pessimistic thought and made it somewhat less depressing through imagery.

And now the seasons come to harvest
and you have come to go
And even though I know
That you were going away
I wish that you would come, Oh how I wish that you would come
Oh I wish that you would come to stay
I'm not feeling as much of that perfect flow here, but it's still great. I like repetition; I use it myself all the time.

I hope the highway treats you well
And I hope you don't spend too much time
Checking in your rear view mirror
Hoping that I am behind you

I like the positive mood here. I also feel a slight melancholy undertone. I'm digging this.

And I hope that when you arrive
All the ones you love are waiting
And that their cold hearts have melted over
Because our season is fading

Again, a positive tone with some slight undertone of something sad or longing. Nice.

Now the geese are heading back up north
And you are going with them
And though the cardinals have come out to play
I think I'll stay inside today
Oh I wish you would come, Oh I wish that you would come
Oh I wish that you would come to stay

Perfect ending. I love the rhymes. Great job.


I loved this piece. Great flow and imagery, and very original. I look forward to reading more of your work.
#3
First two stanzas are excellent up until the "So much unlike real life" line. The sentiment fits, but the wording is a bit clunky.

"And now the seasons come to harvest
and you have come to go
And even though I know
That you were going away
I wish that you would come, Oh how I wish that you would come
Oh I wish that you would come to stay"

This is a stumble, I think. The first line "And now the seasons come to harvest." Can be taken a few ways. Are the seasons coming to a harvest? (Or, more properly, the harvest.) That doesn't make much sense. With "harvest" in a context like this, you would almost have to have a definite article ("the") in there, to give it form. So the seasons have all run their courses, and come down to the harvesting time, or the harvest.

Or, is a single season coming to harvest (as a verb?) IE: A season is harvesting this person away from you. This is also kind of iffy, since the line isn't entirely clear. I prefer this interpretation, but like I said, I'm not sure of either.

"And you have come to go." Is odd, too. If we're still in the same time period (the harvest) then the idea of "coming to go" is inappropriate. Something like "And you only came to go" would fit better in this context. "You have come to go" would fit in more with a stanza dealing with the beginning of your time together, methinks.

"And even though I know, that you were going away." I'm not an expert on English, but I think the switch in tenses here sticks out. "And even though I know that you are going away" or "And even though I knew that you were going away" flow much better.

Back to the verses, third stanza is solid, fourth stanza is solid, again, up until the last line. "Because our season is fading." It just sticks out. In the third stanza, this person was alone, and you were hoping he or she wasn't spending too much time thinking about you now that you were apart. In the fourth stanza, he or she is with his or her family, and you wish him or her well, but then you refer to your season fading. You jump back to the first stanza, basically.

The final stanza is perfect. Nice imagery there.

Overall, you've done a pretty good job with everything. I don't mean to nitpick, but there's a lot of potential here, the only things I'd work on are the issues I mentioned already, and maybe change the title, other than that, nice work.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#4
I didn't even realize the tense issue, thanks for pointing that out. I changed it up and it seems to better suit it. I understand the confusion stemming from the "come to harvest" line and it's not that I made it that way but I wanted it to be interpreted as either taking the person further away or as the end of the winter season and it's time to harvest crops. And I viewed the "come to go" as a way of saying that 'you're only visiting' basically. You came with no intention other than leaving. The phrasing is a bit off but it seemed to feel right to me. Thanks for the great crit though!

Would you like me to crit a piece of yours in return?
Last edited by ggolden91 at Dec 15, 2009,