#1
How long must we wait,
For the ships to leave the docks?
So, we can chart a new path,
To unfamiliar rocks.
We’ll tread a new course,
And we will never fail.
Yes, how long must we wait,
For the ships to set sail?
We’ll travel the seas,
And we’ll travel for miles.
Clear paths in the forest,
And wander awhile.

When will we leave,
To the lands of the past?
Sick of the waves,
Washing up past the mast.
I will not rest,
Till your in my arms.
I’ll never leave land,
Till your safe from harm.

We’ll build a foundation.
One nation, under god.
A new grain of sand for the motherland,
And the glass façade.
So, when will we say,
Our last saving grace?
When will the flag,
Find a final resting place.

When will we leave,
To the lands I knew before?
Sick of task,
And the lands we explore.
I will not return,
Till their pockets are lined in gold.
I will never leave,
Till the sea swallows me whole.

We wake up at 4 am,
And we sound our alarm.
We anchor at the port,
Met by the new waves of their arms.
When will the waves,
Lead us to the shore?
Who knows what treasures,
Unknown had in store.
Prisoners of discovery,
Cells of the oceans in between.
But, we’ll keep pushing westward,
To the world never seen.

When will we go back,
To our family and friends?
Sick of the commands,
Not cutting any slack.
I will not sleep,
Till all is seen by mortal eyes.
I will never stop,
Till your waves turn to goodbyes.
#2
Quote by mikeskiboshski
How long must we wait,
For the ships to leave the docks?
So, we can chart a new path,
To unfamiliar rocks.
We’ll tread a new course,
And we will never fail.
Yes, how long must we wait,
For the ships to set sail?
We’ll travel the seas,
And we’ll travel for miles.
Clear paths in the forest,
And wander awhile.
not a bad opening, but in lines 7-8 you repeat yourself only for the sake of a rhyme, which could be revised. I think the whole rhyming here could be more sophisticated because (as a poem), it feels very elementary.

When will we leave,
To the lands of the past?
Sick of the waves,
Washing up past the mast.
I will not rest,
Till your in my arms.
I’ll never leave land,
Till your safe from harm.
the last four lines are cliche compared to the first four, which aren't super-original or anything, but you could definitely do better in terms of the last lines.

We’ll build a foundation.
One nation, under god.
A new grain of sand for the motherland,
And the glass façade.
So, when will we say,
Our last saving grace?
When will the flag,
Find a final resting place.
line three through the flow, and that is could be good, but its bad here because up to now, you've established a simple rhyme scheme and a good flow, and it threw me. If it was a song, it might could work but in a poem, I find it dubious. If you could make all the rhymes in the piece up to par with 'god' and 'facade', it'd be a lot better. For some reason, I find that rhyme really original. I think the last two lines need to be scrapped-they just sorta hang there IMO

When will we leave,
To the lands I knew before?
Sick of task,
And the lands we explore.
I will not return,
Till their pockets are lined in gold.
I will never leave,
Till the sea swallows me whole.
The first two lines don't make sense compared with the parts before because these lands were uncharted and unkown, right? Even the two lines after don't make clear sense, but the last four lines are pretty good.

We wake up at 4 am,
And we sound our alarm.
We anchor at the port,
Met by the new waves of their arms.
When will the waves,
Lead us to the shore?
Who knows what treasures,
Unknown had in store.
Prisoners of discovery,
Cells of the oceans in between.
But, we’ll keep pushing westward,
To the world never seen.
This stanza is ok. It could be better, more sophisticated.

When will we go back,
To our family and friends?
Sick of the commands,
Not cutting any slack.
I will not sleep,
Till all is seen by mortal eyes.
I will never stop,
Till your waves turn to goodbyes.
This ending was confusing. Your going to a new land with someone you obviously care a lot about because you want to escape that which you now mention going back to, am I right? If you made it "we will never go back", it would be more clear. The last four lines are decent.


Overall, it's not bad. I'm not sure how long you have been writing, but I think you have potential. Stick around here, and PM if you want me to review other pieces or so. If you check out the link in my sig, I'd be grateful
#3
I feel as if the crit above me had about the same things to say about this as I did, so I'll leave it with this. I liked the direction of the piece, but the execution wasn't done well at all. I feel like you had a good idea but couldn't convey it properly. Like hippie said, you've got potential, so I definitely could see this going somewhere but it will take a bit of work. No lines in particular stuck out to me and that's something I look for in a song or piece of work like this, the goal is to write something that sticks out in the readers mind as something new or something great. I feel like this lacked that fundamental part and instead just kind of coasted through. A bit of work and it can be great though, so keep it up.

Crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1247867