#1
we calmly caressed the water,
our fingers as oars
sailing slowly in a narrow river,
gliding lightly like a song
with silent vocals sending us between the shores.
but the sounds between my chest
and your misty smirk were waning.

the sun pinned itself
against a distinct horizon and
our tired bodies collapsed under the weight of tomorrow as
the lush taste of land
was leaving our lips.
when i awoke, we were intricately laced,
woven in a moment.
you were still dreaming
so i pressed you closer to my hip
and your midslumber smile,
i think,
made my drowsy heart skip.
a new concierto was sweeping inside
and when i glanced above the strake,
no land was in sight
we were weightless notes upon
the ocean's crescendos
and our estuary was far behind.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Dec 14, 2009,
#2
This floated around my head as I read it, the imagery was beautiful. You truly painted a picture.

That being said, a few things. Some of the devices you used here were phenomenal. But you overdid the alliteration. Some of it was great, but it was too much for me. At times, it seemed more like you were writing it just to squeeze as much alliteration in there as possible than you were actually writing it to write a beautiful poem. Whatever though, I enjoyed it all the same.

But bitch, you put 'and' on a line by itself. You know better. It has no reason to just be chilling by itself, interrupting the entire poem just because it decided it was so important that it needed its own line. Please, don't conform to its wishes. It's a three letter word, for christ sake. You can put it in line.

This really did give me a 'weightless' vibe. Everything you write is better than the last thing you wrote(for the most part), and you just keep on getting better. Keep it up and we're gonna have to kick you off for embarrassing the rest of us too much. Watch yo'self, fool.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1245032
, por favor.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Believe me, I was struggling with that 'and'. I was trying to maintain the pace of the piece and I was worried that hip/skip rhyme would sound too cheesy if it was too close together. I tried working with it. Thanks for the crit. I'll hit yours up tomorrow night probably.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
'but the sounds between my chest
and your misty smirk were waning.'

I thought that was pretty redundant and was just filler. Didn't add anything new to me.

I was floating through the rest of it, like i've just woken up (which I have) but i'm experiencing it again, it's a nice feeling. And i'm not feeling that this piece is too light, there is still some stark realism here.

'we were weightless notes upon
the ocean's crescendos
and our estuary was far behind.'

beautiful.
#6
thanks a lot man. i'll hit your new one up the first time i get the chance
here, My Dear, here it is