#1
I tried my best to type this out where it would read like its supposed to be, but im having a hard time conveying the flow on paper, and this is the best i could get

control the fear
remove the doubt
falsities hide
behind a closed mouth
can we revert

back in our minds
to a simpler
place in time
when we just got high
and hope shined in our eyes

But paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight

Black out the windows
turn off the lights
i just wanna be alone tonight
i dont trust myself out
out in the moonlight
board all the doors
put all the breakables away
tonights the night that i break
these chains

then paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight
Last edited by dmiwshicldply at Dec 14, 2009,
#4
control the fear
remove the doubt
falsities hide
behind a closed mouth
It's an average-to-good start. Better than most.


can we revert
back in our minds
to a simpler
place in time
when we just got high
and hope shined in our eyes
I really like this verse. It conveys the feeling of nostalgia very well and rhymes effortlessly.

But paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight
I don't know what this verse is trying to convey. And "Well I have to agree tonight" reeks of "hmm, what rhymes with 'tonight'?".

Black out the windows
turn off the lights
i just wanna be alone tonight
i dont trust myself out
out in the moonlight
board all the doors
put all the breakables away
tonights the night that i break
these chains
"Put all the breakables away" is a wonderful, wonderful line. It brings to mind someone preparing for an earthquake. But if you put all the breakables away, how can you break your chains? The whole verse is damn near perfect, but the last two lines are too cliche. Still, great verse.

I'd say 7.5 out of 10. It sounds like it would sound a whole lot better set to appropriate music. (since you said you had a hard time conveying the flow on paper). (I didn't realize you had posted a recording - I've gotta leave in like one minute or so, I'll listen once I get back from school) I've got some new lyrics I've posted, and would really appreciate your input. =)
Last edited by Severide at Dec 17, 2009,
#5
Quote by dmiwshicldply
I tried my best to type this out where it would read like its supposed to be, but im having a hard time conveying the flow on paper, and this is the best i could get

control the fear
remove the doubt
falsities hide
behind a closed mouth
can we revert
I liked it. Nothing exceptional but it was still good.

back in our minds
to a simpler
place in time
when we just got high
and hope shined in our eyes
It conveys the message it's trying to achieve very well. You described the "simpler times" in a way that it brings you back to the moment as if the reader were there.

But paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight
I like the first three lines but don't like the final three. First off the final two lines seem incredibly forced to rhyme. Let it be more natural and it will just flow together. The 4th line just seems out of place

Black out the windows
turn off the lights
i just wanna be alone tonight
i dont trust myself out
out in the moonlight
board all the doors
put all the breakables away
tonights the night that i break
these chains
The only problem I have here is the repetition of the word out. I feel that you could achieve the same meaning by only including out in the next line.

then paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight



It was good overall. I think it needs a bit of revision though as some of it doesn't flow as well as it could.

Crit?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1246470
#6
Quote by Severide
control the fear
remove the doubt
falsities hide
behind a closed mouth
It's an average-to-good start. Better than most.


can we revert
back in our minds
to a simpler
place in time
when we just got high
and hope shined in our eyes
I really like this verse. It conveys the feeling of nostalgia very well and rhymes effortlessly.

But paranoia seeps in through
the realistic side
of me and you
it tells us lifes not fair
and its not right
well i have to agree tonight
I don't know what this verse is trying to convey. And "Well I have to agree tonight" reeks of "hmm, what rhymes with 'tonight'?".

Black out the windows
turn off the lights
i just wanna be alone tonight
i dont trust myself out
out in the moonlight
board all the doors
put all the breakables away
tonights the night that i break
these chains
"Put all the breakables away" is a wonderful, wonderful line. It brings to mind someone preparing for an earthquake. But if you put all the breakables away, how can you break your chains? The whole verse is damn near perfect, but the last two lines are too cliche. Still, great verse.

I'd say 7.5 out of 10. It sounds like it would sound a whole lot better set to appropriate music. (since you said you had a hard time conveying the flow on paper). (I didn't realize you had posted a recording - I've gotta leave in like one minute or so, I'll listen once I get back from school) I've got some new lyrics I've posted, and would really appreciate your input. =)



in the chorus i was trying to convey someone who has lost his hope in life, a person who is tired of working his ass off and getting shit on everytime he turns around. All the while someone else never works and its handed to them on a silver platter. In particular this whole piece is about a guy whose starting to think his significant other is being unfaithful. Hence the line falsities hide behind a closed mouth, he cant get up the courage to confront her because hes scared of her being dishonest and only hurting him more.

In the last verse it was about him realizing hes about to lose all control, breaking out of his proverbial chains. so put everything of value away because hes not responsible for what he does. I really do appreciate you taking the time to go in depth on this piece though, and ill look at yours as soon as i get a chance i have to go to work in a few minutes so i wouldnt be able to go in depth too much right now so ill save it for later.