#1
C4C


I'm never satisfied
until you're terrified
my inner caveman screams again

Won't you crucify me
you know you can't deny the
writing on your bones remains

It lives in your spirit
even though you fear it
perversion of the soul

I'm everything people told you to hate
the best enemy you've made to date
run till you you fall but there is no escape
every heart beat calls out my name

I am black, white, shades of gray
now I'm leaving and I'm here to stay
I draw closer as you walk away

I am death, life, everything
I'm the numbness you can always feel
I'm the never...that lasts forever

You always knew
it would end this way
this divorce on your wedding day

You're not like them
no, you're just like me
we're one of a kind eternally

Inhale this cold fate
may you never sleep
kept awake by all your dreams

The first time I fell, I resisted too
I'd rather be the coin than the wishing well
open wide shut let the nothing in
I love how you've landscaped hell

I am black, white, shades of gray
now I'm leaving and I'm here to stay
I draw closer as you walk away

I am death, life, everything
I'm the numbness you can always feel
I'm the never...that lasts forever
Andy Fox
Hard rock guitarist
I play a Jackson DK-2 and an Ibanez RG through a Peavey 6505+ stack
Last edited by AndyR83 at Dec 15, 2009,
#2
Overall, I enjoyed this piece quite a lot. Other than the "Inhale this cold fate" verse, which seemed rather forced and lacking the rhythm the rest did, the piece flowed pretty well despite the mass of stanza's. Absolutely loved this line, "The first time I fell, I resisted too
I'd rather be the coin than the wishing well".

One thing i'd look at is excess words. For example, in "You're not like them
no, you're just like me", there's no need for the No in my eyes, at least, I prefer the flow without it.

And also, in the line "this divorce on your wedding day" i'd have something like, 'this divorce lies on your wedding day'. Or even 'These divorce lies.....' if you wanted to change up the meaning a bit.

Anyway, great job, good read. Interested to see your next work.