#1
Maybe it leaves you with a smile.
Or touches guilt to the tip of your hands.
You could believe every painstaking line.
That I take the time to write out.
And sometimes.
They make feel a little bit better about it all.
If only for a few dishonest moments.
I just need to know where I’ve been.
It kills me today as it did. It still holds me from sleep.
And I won’t do anything.
I’ll never say anything.
We forgive, we don’t forget.
Our list of aspirations is endless.
But no plans for the end, we’re just mislead minds.
Ask me what’s right or wrong and leave thirsting for an answer.
Cause I’m still trying to piece together my own fault lines.
And the promise that you’ll die.
Is the only promise that’s of any worth.
Now take this heaving uneasiness.
And let it walk north.


C4C
#2
I really admired the ideas, the lowliness, and the simple words. But I thought the constant fullstops to be really irksome. Some of the line breaks didn't quite feel complimentary. But that's just me. Flow and breaks are all very personal and can be taken as lightly as you wish.

L2 has a particularly weird way of wording things. It works well in terms of the poems' techniques and methods, but it envelopes everything in difficulty and turns undecipherable. I personally prefer something that is more straight and to the point.

L6 is missing out a word.

I really like this line: “Cause I’m still trying to piece together my own fault lines.” Because it links in with how ambiguous the piece is – which makes me drawn in to the ambiguity, unlike before.

The concluding four lines really do what they're supposed to do: tie it all in as emotively and accurately as possible.

Really enjoyable piece!