#1
There is not a coherent theme. It's about how feelgood mumbo jumbo is both brilliant yet empty, and how my vision is bad. Or something like that.

--

At school, you're told
That fool's gold
Is a jewel to behold
When they say to believe in yourself.
And that the cruel and cold,
Like duels of old,
Are laying long gone on the shelf.

If I'm right,
It's all pyrite;
The skylights
Crash loudly to the floor.
And by night,
My eyesight
Is a blurry little storm.

A prescipice,
This dark abyss
The black crevice
Swallows people whole.
My ignorance,
Is fiery bliss,
With its own gravitational pull.


Eyefuls of ice and rain,
Eyes of a hurricane;
Swerving and changing lanes,
Colliding with aeroplanes.

Coming to rest again;
Tires on fire are then
Pyres for firemen,
Wired to tenements.
Last edited by Severide at Dec 16, 2009,
#2
I really liked this. Very unique style. The ending didn't really give me the feeling, or the punch of satisfaction it should have, especially because everything leading up to it was great. I'd revise that, but otherwise, very good. Glad you posted
#5
Quote by mikeskiboshski
wow.

the first parts sounds like vertigo by U2


Is that good or bad?
#6
Really really like it, but instead of what everyones saying about changing the ending, how about keeping what you have but adding another verse? something that closes it in a satisfying way instead of just abruptly ending. I just feel like the piece was to good to end the way it did.

Great Job overall and thanks for the comments on mine too
#9
oh man thats awesome. You need some sort of a punchline in the last part though, even if it's not really a coherent piece. something clever that makes people go "whoaaa..."