#1
UG, I AM WRITING A STORY. this is the intro, please tell me what you think. I know it's a lot to read but it would be greatly appreciated.

“I’m cold,” Amber softly declared as she looked up at Floyd. She had an almost angelic look of innocence in her eyes. There was a hint of sorrow in her voice and it produced an atmosphere of despair in the cozy little room they were in. The beautiful winter day outside the window suddenly looked lonely and desolate. She gently ran her fingers down Floyd’s arm and as they made eye contact, the expression on her face shifted from sorrow to content. Her eyes were two crystal balls, and suddenly Floyd found himself lost in them.
The walls closed in and formed a black void; Floyd’s stare became hypnotic and dazed. The solid blackness Floyd now faced melted into a violet purple and water danced down it. The drops began forming dancing women, majestically falling down the purple landscape. Floyd looked at his hands and they were drenched in the turquoise liquid. Dizzy now, he began to fall. As his weary head hit the ground: he woke up.
In a daze, Floyd evaluated his surroundings. The same shit hole of an apartment he had been living in for six months now enclosed him. He sighed and placed another cigarette between his lips. Swiftly, he lit it and sucked in the warm smoke. He felt his guitar begin to slip off his leg and firmly grasped the neck. Instantly, he remembered what he was doing before he passed out.
In front of him was a piece of paper, littered with the scribbling of a mad man. At least, that’s what it would look like to most people. He read the paper and smiled, pleased with his work. He slid back into his couch and let a deep sigh of relaxation. He blew an O and watched it slowly float up as it faded into the air. The dancing smoke reminded him of his dream.
This dream had a reoccurring theme: Amber. Floyd tried to shut his mind off. He tried to ignore the thoughts of her with no avail. His routine breakdown had once again started up.
He felt tears in his eyes, and the emotions hit him like a brick. There were voices this time.
“You did this,” they chanted. He began breathing heavily. He wanted desperately to stop, but he could not. His vision blackened, and the voices grew louder: “*****, Liar, Addict,” they chanted. He slowly faded back out of reality and into his trance.
Floyd was once a respected songwriter. He was well known in most of the laid back coffee shops of his city. People would see him playing guitar in the park and stop to watch. His shows at coffee shops would get incredible turnouts. He was making a good living between music and his day job: a manager at the locally run grocery store. Everything was great until he lost it.
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#3
HOLY FUCK.


I'll give it a try.

Change the names and it could have potential.
NRANNHLEILR
OETYSI LRNYS
TATOENYSGM
HLENEGMNRA
IL RENRAOET
NYSCOETTAT
GMAATATHLE

To me. Try, you know you want to^


Puberty
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Last edited by Canseqo at Dec 15, 2009,
#4
And yes, I am aware that the name Floyd is extremely lame, it was just the first name to come to my head that wasn't a person I know.
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#6
I just finished reading "The Picture Of Dorian Gray", so this seemed really lame.

REALLY lame.
#7
No.
Contradicting vocabulary,
too much description (imo),
all telling, no showing,
excess words.

Just no.

EDIT: So cliched...
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Ending Autumn
Last edited by Scribbllez at Dec 15, 2009,
#8
I agree, amber is kind of slut name.
You seem to like descriptions and metaphors!
I think it's alright, I'm getting the feeling that the further you read, the more you get into it.
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#9
Quote by Scribbllez
No.
Contradicting vocabulary,
too much description (imo),
all telling, no showing,
excess words.

Just no.


Really? I thought that there wasn't enough, or at least it was too "lacking".

I agree with you otherwise though, especially on the telling thing.
#11
Lol, Floyd
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#12
Quote by JacobTheMe
Really? I thought that there wasn't enough, or at least it was too "lacking".

I agree with you otherwise though, especially on the telling thing.


By that I meant more along the lines of he's taking up too much writing space describing and not enough getting along with the damn story. If he wants to give us details, do it specific, and concise, otherwise get on with what's going on.
Also, now that I've reread it, I can't find a thread between each paragraph. It's choppy.

EDIT:

+1 to the dude below me.
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You are truly a god among men.


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Dear Scribbllez I Googled it my good sir,
A hearty lol it did stir.


Ending Autumn
Last edited by Scribbllez at Dec 15, 2009,
#13
Just curious is Floyd's surname Rose?
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#14
I can't believe nobody's done this yet.

Cool story, bro.
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#16
I also don't see much promise in this character. He seems like he is going to be just another angsty "anti-hero".
#19
Quote by RU Experienced?
Wow, that was beautiful, I can totally identify with Amber.




She is aimed at the "cold people" demographic.
#20
Quote by JacobTheMe
I also don't see much promise in this character. He seems like he is going to be just another angsty "anti-hero".


+1
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Yes, it is then!

You are truly a god among men.


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Dear Scribbllez I Googled it my good sir,
A hearty lol it did stir.


Ending Autumn
#22
Quote by RU Experienced?
Just what are you trying to say?


I said that I am having sexual intercourse with your mum.
#23
Quote by JacobTheMe
I said that I am having sexual intercourse with your mum.

Oh okay, try nibbling her earlobe, drives her wild.
#24
Ayn Rand ain't got shit on you.

No, but really, you ought to practice writing more. Try reading as much as you can, making sure to pay attention to dictation and style. Also, read good books that you enjoy so things are easier to remember for ya :P
TOO MANY PUPPIES

Soda sucks.
#25
Woah woah woah, steady on the adjectives James Joyce. Remember that this is a story and dialogue can be used easier then trying to write prose genuinely.

Your dialogue needs some work and by dialogue I mean the few glimpses we see of it.

“I’m cold,” Amber softly declared" She sounds like a child here, an annoying child.

Understand that I'm only seeing what is put in front of me. Whatever you meant is not coming through to make me care enough about her condition.

This is getting ruined for me by the fact that he's called "Floyd" and you describe "purple landscapes"

You need to go over this and cut away some parts, sentence structure is sloppy, it just trails along and not in a good way.

Everyone first writes about a depressed person in an apartment with a girlfriend and they smoke cigarettes and lie about all day while they curse their luck and their dismal life while he used to have a job and everything was going fine till this happened and then she had a baby and they had to get an abortion and then the girl dies somehow and then the guy questions life while referring to nostalgia and what everything used to be like.

Go beyond this. If you want to write a good story you must engage the reader first.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 16, 2009,
#27
Quote by Angus_Junior35
I agree, amber is kind of slut name.
You seem to like descriptions and metaphors!
I think it's alright, I'm getting the feeling that the further you read, the more you get into it.


my girlfreinds name is amber. dick....
#28
Did not interest me
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#29
Quote by epiless
my girlfreinds name is amber. dick....


Is your name Floyd by any chance?
#30
Also, you seem to try too hard at describing things poetically...but it's not working. It's distracting, really.
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#33
First paragraph seemed a tad lame, and I'm not so sure about "the voices" but it has potential

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#34
Well, I'd like it if the "angsty anti-hero" does something more than just promote the phenomenon of angst. Frankly, I have enough of my own angst; I don't need to read about it in any form. Anyway, good start. If you develop it correctly, I'd prolly read it. Just don't give it an ending that sucks.
#35
Too many words used in the wrong way.

The description of the mood is contradictory to the adjectives you're using. In the first paragraph you're using positive descriptions like 'angelic' and 'beautiful,' which gives a positive feel, but then you point out that the mood is one of 'despair' and the world outside is 'desolate.' Pick one or the other, not both, and describe the scene using words that conjure this feeling rather than just telling the reader what they should be feeling. The best writing doesn't tell you what's going on, it picks the words that suggest an atmosphere and lets the readers imagination do the work.

As you get used to this, start cutting out adjectives to describe dialogue. It's clumsy to write 'X said X in X way,' if you've described the scene right then all you need is 'X said X' and the reader will be able to sense how it was said.

Read around, but read from different mediums. If you want to learn about dialogue, go and read plays. If you want to learn about how to put subtext into description, go and read poetry.

A final tip, your last paragraph is what's called 'info dumping,' a way of writing where the author sticks in a paragraph full of information about a character/place/situation/whatever. It's intrusive and should be avoided, instead get used to building things up. We can find out about Floyds past gradually, in dialogue, or little snippets here and there, if you put it all in at once then that ruins the surprise and, in turn, ruins the suspense.
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#36
Terribly cliché.

I've read about 6 books that have the same intro: Dream, wake up, shitty apartment, cigarettes.

Sorry :/
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#37
Yeah, I'm not the best writer, but this is a total rough draft. Also, it's not about some angsty anti hero reminising. I didn't get into it, but its about him loosing his mind. Hence the panic attack.
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