#1
Of the ways a
bumblebee may stay in flight,
or a pair of heavy headlights can dance so
gracefully as they weave their way around a ribbon of asphalt,
I know nothing.
when I pack up the ocean and the sky and grass and trees
and put it in a little box in the far corner of my skull,
when I withdraw into that elysian place inside myself
where it always smells of summer and
laughter is a thing served as a side salad,
I am omniscient and a
bumblebee doesn't have to know how to fly,
he just
does.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
This was pretty great. The best thing I've read from you, I think.

The "I know nothing" line was really annoying, like an anchor in your older definitely-not-as-good stuff. I also think that the line break on the line starting "I am omniscient" was a little odd. Maybe "he just" should be changed to "it just", too?
#3
This was visceral. You had me in from the first word and didn't let go. The way this flowed was magical.
#4
that is one of the weakest first lines you could have, with no subject or movement or anything at all really. Open the piece as if the entire poem hinges on it because in many ways it does, a casual reader will almost never read on unless he is grasped by something in the first line.

the rest was pretty decent. but it seemed like you didnt believe it. I don't know, I was so much more interested, and it seemed like you were so much more interested, in the bee itself, not the "I" commenting on the bee. Good sentiment in the end but it just felt you were telling me and not even attempting to show me. "to do" and "to be" are verbs best never used if you can help it. I dunno, it just felt like you were going through the motions of writing a poem with a vague notion of where you wanted to end up and were not really invested in any of it.

I do like this epistemological tone you're taking on though. There just isnt enough urgency behind your words.

all the best,
Dylan.
#5
I like it. Especially the part about laughter as a side salad, and "packing up" scenery into a box in the skull, plus the thing about the heavy headlights. Great imagery. 8.5/10

I have a piece that I would like critiqued, and I'd like you to check it out if you want.