#1
You cannot walk up to anyone and say anything anymore
Eyes narrow, the room turns cold, as you hold open the door
The girl that last night traded her self respect away
Looks down upon you as another rye catching cliche

Your fathers old radio you found up in the attic
Seeking solace in the sound of the static
People out living their lives you've wanted for so long
You sit and watch like a bird without a song

perched there on the wire
perched there on the wire

You prayed for The Entertainment to help to see you through
Thinking back to autumn where your final friend he flew
The clouds turn to black what was the whites of your eyes
From here you know that you will never fly

perched there on the wire
perched there on the wire
#2
Quote by funkbob
You cannot walk up to anyone and say anything anymore
Eyes narrow, the room turns cold, as you hold open the door
The girl that last night traded her self respect away
Looks down upon you as another rye catching cliche

Pretty good rhymes, and decent wording. Not a bad start.

Your fathers old radio you found up in the attic
Seeking solace in the sound of the static
People out living their lives you've wanted for so long
You sit and watch like a bird without a song

I really like this part. Nice word usage, and good rhymes.

perched there on the wire
perched there on the wire

This feels good here. Perching is a boring word though. I'd use something like "roosting."

You prayed for The Entertainment to help to see you through
Thinking back to autumn where your final friend he flew
The clouds turn to black what was the whites of your eyes
From here you know that you will never fly

Great until the last line, it's just too short. I don't feel as much flow here as in previous parts.

perched there on the wire
perched there on the wire

This doesn't feel as good here. I'd change it up a little. Even changing it to "So you perch upon the wire" would help the overall feeling to it.


Overall, this was a fun read. Nice wording for the most part, and the flow is pretty solid. The topic is perhaps a little pretentious, feels like high school poetry, but it's still a solid piece.
#4
thanks guys, really appreciate the critique. I kinda agree with the pretentious side to it, I think I may listen to too much of that in the indie/folk/post rock scene haha. cheers