#1
c4c.

Of jaded saplings
and crawling fungi,
where birds of feather
and nylon smiles
inhabit our mantle
in glossy wire photographs,
and dusty windows
of the reading room, where
for countless nights
I heard your footsteps
graze against the wooden floors,
as you slowly turned the pages
of lost and abandoned worlds,
and under the steady beat of the fan,
and under the gaze of your silhouette
you said nothing.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 18, 2009,
#2
I thought the last two lines totally contradicted the tone of the rest of the piece. In a way, it killed the entire thing for me. The rest was good though. Wonderful imagery.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I agree with Aaron. The last two lines sort of ruined the piece. Everything was else great.
#6
I'm trying to figure out if I like the change or not. I mean, in terms of the words and only the words, it's fine except that you start two lines in a row with 'and under', which is kind of annoying.

BUT, and this is a large but,

I feel like the change flipped the entire poem 180 degrees and transformed it completely. It changed too much, and the fact that you were so willing to change it that much just to correct a disagreement in tone shows me that you don't really care that much about this; says that this was just a set of pretty words meant to wow me with its prettiness. This may not be the case, but that's what it says to me when you are so willing to just change it like that. Going from "I wanna get the **** out of here" to "she said nothing" is just too much and the latter can imply so many different meanings, none of which bring to mind the former. If I don't think you care, I'm not going to care. And I may be completely wrong, this may have been about your cat and lifelong companion, snickers, that got run over by a truck last Tuesday and you are spiraling into a pit of depression, and this poem was your therapy to release all the sorrowful energy that's coming from the death of your cat. Or, y'know, something similar to that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not saying you don't care about this or any of your work, it's just that I got the impression that this piece didn't mean much to you.

Show me that you care, show me that you really care, no matter what it is. If it's a happy piece, convince me that you're literally bouncing up and down with joy in your seat at you type this. If it's a sad piece, I want to be weeping all over my keyboard while I write a crit, assured that you were doing the same while writing the piece and that the only reason you aren't answering back is because you're getting the water damage to your keyboard fixed. If it's an angry piece, make me run for the bomb shelter in my basement. Make me run for my life, convinced that you're out to kill everything that has ever existed. It's enough to write down these emotions, but I want to actually feel them coming out of the words, straight from you.

But whatever. It's still beautiful writing, and if that's all this was meant to be, then as you were.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
I'm trying to figure out if I like the change or not. I mean, in terms of the words and only the words, it's fine except that you start two lines in a row with 'and under', which is kind of annoying.

BUT, and this is a large but,

I feel like the change flipped the entire poem 180 degrees and transformed it completely. It changed too much, and the fact that you were so willing to change it that much just to correct a disagreement in tone shows me that you don't really care that much about this; says that this was just a set of pretty words meant to wow me with its prettiness. This may not be the case, but that's what it says to me when you are so willing to just change it like that. Going from "I wanna get the **** out of here" to "she said nothing" is just too much and the latter can imply so many different meanings, none of which bring to mind the former. If I don't think you care, I'm not going to care. And I may be completely wrong, this may have been about your cat and lifelong companion, snickers, that got run over by a truck last Tuesday and you are spiraling into a pit of depression, and this poem was your therapy to release all the sorrowful energy that's coming from the death of your cat. Or, y'know, something similar to that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not saying you don't care about this or any of your work, it's just that I got the impression that this piece didn't mean much to you.

Show me that you care, show me that you really care, no matter what it is. If it's a happy piece, convince me that you're literally bouncing up and down with joy in your seat at you type this. If it's a sad piece, I want to be weeping all over my keyboard while I write a crit, assured that you were doing the same while writing the piece and that the only reason you aren't answering back is because you're getting the water damage to your keyboard fixed. If it's an angry piece, make me run for the bomb shelter in my basement. Make me run for my life, convinced that you're out to kill everything that has ever existed. It's enough to write down these emotions, but I want to actually feel them coming out of the words, straight from you.

But whatever. It's still beautiful writing, and if that's all this was meant to be, then as you were.


There is sadness in this piece but it's subtle and it's final. I don't really want to explain the piece as I believe that should be shown to the reader not explained. The tension is built at the start and then it is released.

I realized after the first ending that it was far too drastic and in sense a bombshell, no warning just some huge explosion. I was happy to change it quickly when I realized that people as well thought it ruined the piece and agreed with what I was thinking as well. I take writing seriously and I'm not going to change something unless I really wanted to and had second thoughts about.

Believe me I didn't just churn this piece out in 10 minutes, I actually did try to put some emotion into this. Whether or not that got through with you I'm not sure. I might go over this later.