#1
Still-life portrait of a stillborn child,
Delivered by a girl defiled.
Lying naked beside the river,
She bleeds and bellows as she shivers.

And as the head crowns, she won't hear him cry.
No, she won't see him smile, she'll just see him die.
Fourteen years old and blacking out,
She curses God and cries in spouts.

With bloodstained hands, leaving labor
Courtesy of coveting neighbors.
Shaken to her shattered core
She grabs a cloth from the earthen floor.

Shrouding the fruit in tattered silk,
The water's white as her wasted milk.
She tries to part, with hesitation,
With her Moses with no destination.

As the forest sounds are pierced by screams,
She throws the body into the stream.
All throughout her is but sadness and hate.
Calling its name leaves no reply to await.

But in her dreams, from under the cloak
She could have sworn she heard he'd spoke
Impossible is the rawest of deals
But life without him means nothing is real.

And thirty days later, undercover of night
With so many scars, some grievous, some slight
Stricken with guilt, in her finest of gowns
Disappeared forever in that river and drowned.

EDIT: You can listen to a recording of it here.
Last edited by Severide at Jan 4, 2010,
#2
i really just think this is just way to well i think u under stand thats all i have to say maybe some one will give u a better crit then mine but i think those lyrics are just F***ed no offence
#3
These lyrics are indeed F***ed but in a good way to me. You did a very good job making this gruesome and all but its supposed to be like that right? And another thing is this rhymes very very nicely too.. Brilliant would like to see more of ur work..
#4
Quote by gord69961
i really just think this is just way to well i think u under stand thats all i have to say maybe some one will give u a better crit then mine but i think those lyrics are just F***ed no offence


I'm sorry, I just really need to point out what a grammatical abortion and cancer to mankind that response was. Is a coherent post really too much to ask?

I think the kernel of the song was excellent. It's got a great idea, but I feel like if you abandoned the absolute need to rhyme, it might breathe better. It feels very much forced into a scheme of rhyme and meter. As a result, it reads a little like a minstrel song. If this is a song, I think it would serve it well to give it more of a relaxed feel.

Some of the words feel pretentious to me in their context, namely "earthen" and "await."

Some of the phrases seem a little well-worn, as well. Among them...

-She curses God. Seems like people curse God in songs a good amount of the time. I'd choose a different verb, or even a different idea altogether.

-With bloodstained hands. Beyond cliche. May as well follow with "broken heart."

-All throughout her is but sadness and hate. I'd find a different way to word this. Feels pretentious and Shakespearean. Also a little clunky.

When using big or sophisticated words, avoid being pedantic and use them elegantly. If you pop a sophisticated word in there just for the sake of doing so, it comes across as ham-fisted. Not that you're doing that excessively, but just keep an eye on it. You've got an awesome piece here, and I didn't mean to tear it up, I just want to give you some specific areas for improvement. Great work.
#5
Chaingarden -- thank you very much for your well-thought critique. Allow me to explain myself.

Quote by Chaingarden

Some of the words feel pretentious to me in their context, namely "earthen" and "await."


I never, ever use big words for the sake of using big words. I only use them when I feel like no other words can conjure up the imagery that I want. I'm a huge fan of Morrissey as a lyricist because he conveys extremely complex ideas with everyday words. But, come to think of it, "earthen" does kinda sound like something I'd expect from a prog-rock song about elves or some shit. Still though, I never thought "await" to be pretentious at all.


Quote by Chaingarden

Some of the phrases seem a little well-worn, as well. Among them...

-She curses God. Seems like people curse God in songs a good amount of the time. I'd choose a different verb, or even a different idea altogether.


It represents how much the rape and the monstrosity she is birthing has affected her - she is so angry, so lost, so far-gone, that in her lowest moments, she resorts to cursing her own God, blaming Him for letting this happen to her, when really she should have prayed that everything would be all right. Also, to me, it gives me an image in my head of girl writhing and shrieking at the top of her voice blasphemies and things that no innocent little girl would say (a la The Exorcist, maybe). It represents the sadness of the situation and how lost she is. I'm a Christian and I try very hard to never take God's name in vain, so this, to me, represents how drastic her situation is.

Quote by Chaingarden

-With bloodstained hands. Beyond cliche. May as well follow with "broken heart."


Not to sound like a dick, but you genuinely misunderstood me there. She literally has blood on her hands, from the handling of the baby and its afterbirth. I never meant to imply that she had metaphorical "bloodstained hands" (i.e. feeling guilty for all that has happened to her), although maybe that's a good double meaning. I guess, though, that I should change that so that nobody could get me wrong. Maybe "crimson hands"? Meh. I don't know.

Quote by Chaingarden

-All throughout her is but sadness and hate. I'd find a different way to word this. Feels pretentious and Shakespearean. Also a little clunky.


I didn't like how it turned out either (although, to me, it sounded not Shakespearean, but stupid angsty Three Days Grace-esque depression-mongering). I also need to fix the wording in 'She could have sworn she heard he'd spoke'.

Quote by Chaingarden
You've got an awesome piece here, and I didn't mean to tear it up,


That's what she said!

But seriously. Thank you for this great critique. I'll be checking out more of your stuff, too.
#6
I enjoyed the song, I thought you did a very good job with the imagery. When I read bloodstained hands, I thought of it literally. Maybe if people think the rhymes are forced, you could look at rhyming on just lines 2 and 4, personally, I find it a little less forced. However, I like the mix of rhymes you used. Good work man.
Oh small note: I'm a complete beginner when it comes to this, so you should probably just ignore my thoughts.
Adios Amigo
#7
I never, ever use big words for the sake of using big words. I only use them when I feel like no other words can conjure up the imagery that I want. I'm a huge fan of Morrissey as a lyricist because he conveys extremely complex ideas with everyday words.

This is what more people should be doing. Good job pointing that out.. Imma google Morrissey
#8
I've posted a recording of the song. Hopefully it will allow for new perspectives and all that.