#1
C4C.

Sway and fade in summer's dreams,
no need for such a drama queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
trying to figure out what it all means.

My time is borrowed, and I'll assume,
look at you, yours is too.
I'll try my best not to fade away,
give me a rest, give me a day.

No need for violence,
no need for strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know I'm right.

Sway and fade in summer's dreams,
we all know we don't need a queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
does the end justify the means.

My time is borrowed, and I'll assume,
the price has doubled, the cost has boomed.
I'll try my best not to fade away,
I do my best to have my say.

No need for violence,
no need for strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know I'm right.

For the love of God,
please not tonight.

I am losing sense,
and, sight.


No need for violence,
no need for strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know I'm right.

For the love of God,
please not tonight.

I am losing sense,
and, sight.

I may be bitter,
but you know I'm right.
Last edited by herby190 at Dec 19, 2009,
#2
So, you're the guy who did 'A Starry Night in Seattle', eh? Without a doubt, that piece is absolutely brilliant. While this one is pretty good, it's nowhere near as good as I know you can be.

There are some good lines here, like "no need.../toss and turn...", "my time is.../look at you...", and "For the love.../I am losing...". However, the modernization/civilization lines are like something a jaded, pretentious teenage outcast would write. I'd recommend getting rid of those lines altogether. Wane is a funny word to me. It kind of diminishes the feeling. It makes me think of the Wayan Brothers.

6.5/10

Quote by herby190
C4C.

Wane and fade in summer's dreams,
no need for such a drama queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
trying to figure out what it all means.

My time is borrowed, and I'll assume,
look at you, yours is too.
Modernization, such a chore,
civilization, what a bore.

No need for violence,
no need, for,
strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know, I'm,
right.

Wane and fade in summer's dreams,
we all know we don't need a queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
does the end justify the means.

My time is borrowed, and I'll assume,
the price has doubled, the cost has boomed.
Modernization, such a chore,
one that I choose to ignore.

No need for violence,
no need, for,
strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know, I'm,
right.

For the love of God,
please not, to-,
night.

I am losing sense,
and,
sight.


No need for violence,
no need, for,
strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know, I'm,
right.

For the love of God,
please not, to-,
night.

I am losing sense,
and,
sight.

I may be bitter,
but you know, I'm,
right.
#3
Thanks for the crit; I changed the word "wane" each time it's used, and I'm trying to think of a way replace the "modernazation/civilization" parts.

Edit: I made some more changes. Also, I'd like people's opinions on the title.
Last edited by herby190 at Dec 18, 2009,
#4
i like the song, very good writting, but the first verse

C4C.

Sway and fade in summer's dreams,
no need for such a drama queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
trying to figure out what it all means.

could use some smoothing out i think, just little changes like maybe no need to be a drama queen and try to learn what it all means, just for the purpous of flow, the peice is really cool how it is though and thats just a sugestion
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#5
'My time is borrowed, and I'll assume,
the price has doubled, the cost has boomed.'

that was a very good line.

'Sway and fade in summer's dreams,
no need for such a drama queen.
Toss and turn and cause a scene,
trying to figure out what it all means.'

Rhyming was too predictable here, you can show that you can rhyme well in this piece so I know you're better than rhyming queen/scene ect.

About the refrains,

those "No need for violence,
no need, for,
strife.'

The tension is quite unnecessary, and it sort of gasps out, it ruins the great flow you have in this song as well.

'No need for violence,
no need for strife'

how you sing it is another matter, hope I've helped somewhat.

if you could take a look at this for me it'd be great
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1247420
#6
Thanks. The timing of the refrains makes more sense in the context of the song, so you were right to say it should be taken out; I sometimes forget people won't automatically hear it their head the way I do.

One thing I'm noticing is that everybody is associating queen as being rhymed with scene, but that's not the case; they're meant as two seperate couplets, queen following dream, and scene leading to means. Still, I can see why people take issue with the first stanza; I'll have to look at maybe a bit of rewording.

Also, as I asked earlier, what do people think of the title? Now that I've actually named the band that all of my music will be for, and that I'm getting more music done, I'm starting to actually think more about titles, and I'm not so sure about this one; it has personal meaning, sure, but the point of art is to appeal or convey something to the senses, and if the title has no meaning to the person who hears it, it's pointless. So I ask, what did you think, based on the title, before having read the piece?
#7
Oh God my heart just felt touched somehow. I just love good rhyming
And i liked how u added

For the love of God,
please not tonight.

I am losing sense,
and, sight.

After the second

No need for violence,
no need for strife.

I may be bitter,
but you know I'm right.

I wrote a song that has that same pattern too
#8
There are things I love about this but parts of it don't seem to flow and there are some word choice issues. As long as your satisfied with it, I wouldn't change anything though.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#9
nice, i like it
Equipment
Fender-Squier strat
Huntington Acoustic
Ibanez SGT122 12 string
Handmade Cajon Drum
Ibanez EW20ANST <-- my baby