#1
Can you tell me
your name so
I won't dissolve
in my own annoyance?
Drenching silence
behind my junk eyes-
product of perfection
nonexistent; expectations.
Can you hang around
and not disturb
my independence
from anything that
moves
or speaks?
(i'd give anything to be nothing)
no resistance
no brakes;
seven pushers for
every immediate addict

never care
that tomorrow
is only
four seconds
away;
we'll talk more
later

my thoughts are
copyrighted,
and are
the only cure to your sexuality
people just waiting
for a surprise that
never came
deformities to
perfect themselves
over a long time
one day
i'll grow wings
and look down
and say
'good fucking riddance'


eventual goal is to make this song.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 18, 2009,
#2
WOW
very nicely delivered, perfectly sequenced, you have quite a way with words, AMAZING
keep it up,
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#3
You need to try to impress people with the words, not crazy formatting and colors and random all caps. Anyone can write something down and slather it in code, so it doesn't really show me that you're a good writer. The craziness just distracts from the meaning behind the words. I know you can write fairly well. I just wish you would focus on refining the words rather than moving them around the page.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Nothing worth mentioning, I mean the words are solid. I just wish they wouldn't jump around the page like that. It's almost like I'm dissolving in my own annoyance.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
Well, thanks. I'll try to keep formatting craziness to a minimum. And I agree, the caps are sorta dumb.

EDIT-I'm gonna align this and see how it looks...
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 18, 2009,