#1
c4c.

The Washing is Drunk
I’ve been wrung out and left to dry,
churned up among your whites;
the washing is drunk.
he knows I tumbled out earlier
among all the detergent and soapy suds,
now I’m hanging on the balcony
of a communal estate,
flapping next to those socks
that you bought down the road
at that sale for $2.70
along with the patchy windcheater that
you’ll never throw out and
those damn sheets
with blotted dyes.
and the pegs you’ve secured us to
well they aren't very secure
so you'd better bring us all in soon,
I'd hate for us to lose another one to the breeze.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 21, 2009,
#2
I thought it was good. Although, I read it so there was no pauses between each line. So it kinda seemed like one verse to a song. But otherwise, I thought it was pretty good
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#3
Quote by guitarlord28
I thought it was good. Although, I read it so there was no pauses between each line. So it kinda seemed like one verse to a song. But otherwise, I thought it was pretty good


It's a poem, thanks.
#4
man I'm an idiot. I'm really sorry about that. I don't come to this part of the forum often.
I'll pretend I can mod your amp but break it instead.
#5
Quote by guitarlord28
man I'm an idiot. I'm really sorry about that. I don't come to this part of the forum often.


don't worry about man it's fine.
#6
In the beginning you repeated 'washing' two times very close to each other, I didn't like that too much. I also didn't like the line about the sheets, because you have the socks and the windcheater preceding the sheets and they both have these nice descriptions attached to them, and you follow it up with "those damn sheets", and it's just as if you don't give a damn about the sheets compared to the socks or the windcheater. Not that I'm some kind of anti-laundry discrimination proponent or something, but you have three different images right in a row and you give one so much less attention than the others, it makes things lopsided feeling, which is why the line reads awkwardly.

This was whimsical but it had a strangely more serious undertone, as if it's hinting at something much bigger than just laundry, as if this whole piece is a giant metaphor for some sort of failed relationship or anything else that pieces like this are usually about. And if it doesn't have some elaborate underlying meaning that you wrote for you, it leaves things open for interpretation all the same even if it's just a poem about laundry.

I like this, I really do.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Matthew, I really do love it when you write with blissful simplicity. I think I remember comparing one of your earlier pieces to a water colour painting, and this is exactly what this is like. You tread a dangerous path, with these 'simplistic in their immediate metaphor' pieces, you can run the risk of it becoming dull and bland. But you create something so in depth and wonderful that you manage to create such vivid imagery, I'm in awe mate.

PS. Do you think you could give one of my pieces a looking over? I don't want to post it until it's had a few eyes on it though, and it'd be nice to get some feedback from someone who writes before I post it. Get back to me on that if you could. Ta.
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
Last edited by Slap_Bassist at Dec 18, 2009,
#8
I'm with Slap Bassist in that you, more than most people on here, can take a metaphor and extend it without running it into the ground and becoming bland. I always love the type of writing where the simplest images, such as the laundry, can be used to evoke powerful things. I feel like you were able to do that here.

Just one suggestion. This entire poem is one sentence. I'm not sure if you did that intentionally or not but I feel like one full stop (possibly after 'soapy suds') would do this piece well. I mean, it's short enough right now so it isn't that huge of a deal but I think one full stop could add a lot.

Great job once again though.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
You were able to keep the piece interesting, while solely talking about laundry; that is an impressive feat. Still, I will admit, I'm not sure of what the underlying meaning to the piece is, or if there even is one.
#10
'those damn sheets' I'm not sure if i'll go into more depth or not, but I am going to get rid of the repetition of washing, I can see what you mean.

I'll try to make sure I get on top of everyone else's pieces, If i don't feel free to drop me a message.

Thank you everyone for your comments.
#13
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
I've basically personified the washing, so it takes on human attributes/feelings etc. thank you.

i'll check out yours for sure.

You see, my tiredness made me think you left out a name.

Now it is complete
#14
the whole personification of the piece is fascinating, and i really am trying to dive deeper into the meaning of it. well done overall, i dont really know a lot about technical writing but i love the ending and the last line especially, "to loose another one to the breeze" could be used in so many ways with this but i almost feel like its more like saying you cant leave something/someone to hang out and dry forever, but in a much more sophisticated manner
the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.

Quote by GibsonRocker14
you can use guitar strings to skin carrots....


wait.... wuttt???
#15
Quote by maidenpriest69
the whole personification of the piece is fascinating, and i really am trying to dive deeper into the meaning of it. well done overall, i dont really know a lot about technical writing but i love the ending and the last line especially, "to loose another one to the breeze" could be used in so many ways with this but i almost feel like its more like saying you cant leave something/someone to hang out and dry forever, but in a much more sophisticated manner


That's exactly what it isn't, this isn't a lecture at all.

I'm not asking you to bring in the washing or to pick up Timmy from soccer practice because he has to quickly rush home to get changed so he can go to Jacob's party. Far from that at all.

The last line can be interpreted as it is or it could be left to yourinterpretation, I don't really want to explain what it means to me as it's far more fun leaving it to you to figure out!

Thanks.
#16
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14

The last line can be interpreted as it is or it could be left to yourinterpretation, I don't really want to explain what it means to me as it's far more fun leaving it to you to figure out! .


i completely agree

think you could maybe help me out if u get a chance

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1247023
the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.

Quote by GibsonRocker14
you can use guitar strings to skin carrots....


wait.... wuttt???
#17
I like it. Great metaphor. Fantastic imagery, takes me back to my childhood living in a flat in South London haha. I like to think it's about a failed relationship, well that's my interpretation of it anyway. Or maybe it's all just one big joke and you're just more compassionate than others towards your laundry!
#18
Quote by AltarageR
I like it. Great metaphor. Fantastic imagery, takes me back to my childhood living in a flat in South London haha. I like to think it's about a failed relationship, well that's my interpretation of it anyway. Or maybe it's all just one big joke and you're just more compassionate than others towards your laundry!


thanks glad you liked it.
#19
especially the windcheater line. brilliant the use of that word, - just take out the 'damn' in the next line, and it's fixed
as is usually the as per, I really don't have much to add that hasn't been said. nice work
#20
Honestly, I see this as one of those poems that people will always poke and prod to try to find the meaning behind, as if it's some big metaphor.

I like the descriptiveness of the socks and the windcheater, followed by 'those damn sheets.' It creates a imbalance, yet makes a hint towards a possible deeper meaning.

The last line seems to stick to me. Losing 'another one to the breeze.' Could also hint towards a deeper meaning.

Overall, I like how you kept a piece personsifying laundry interesting from start to finish.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#21
Quote by Just_a_picker
Honestly, I see this as one of those poems that people will always poke and prod to try to find the meaning behind, as if it's some big metaphor.

I like the descriptiveness of the socks and the windcheater, followed by 'those damn sheets.' It creates a imbalance, yet makes a hint towards a possible deeper meaning.

The last line seems to stick to me. Losing 'another one to the breeze.' Could also hint towards a deeper meaning.

Overall, I like how you kept a piece personsifying laundry interesting from start to finish.


thanks you, i'm glad you enjoyed it.
#23
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
and the pegs you’ve secured us to
well they aren't very secure


I really liked this part, keeping it simple, not looking for other words for "secure".
I read it first trying to find some sort of rhytm to it, like a song, and didn't quite get it, but then I read it again as a poem and I really loved it. I just love the fact that one never gets to know if you're writing about something really deep or just laundry.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1248174 c4c? I know you must have a lot of lyrics to read, but I'd really like the opinion of such a great writer
#24
I guess I am the odd man out here, but I didn't really enjoy this too much. There were parts that I enjoyed, but it seemed like there were a lot of unnecessary tack-ons that made it run longer than the point called for.

To begin, let me say that the personification was nice and well done. It added a nice life to the piece... and I enjoyed the phrasing and hte way you made it "bounce" down the page. However, by the time I got to the $2.50 line... I was running out of steam on your piece and delivery. To me, this was a monotone/monopace read. I got the major point of the whole thing by a couple lines in (other than the way you closed it in the last lines) and the middle really started to drag for me, because you really didn't introduce anything else that "mattered" to the piece. Would I recommend you make a change, no. You have what you need here and it delivers what its supposed to. I've just found (in a lot of the pieces I've read from you) that you deliver great punches in the beginning and a great finishing upper-cut, but in the middle you seem to lull and bit and drag the reader along without sparking his/her interests again in the middle. Just something to consider as you write, I suppose.

Hope that makes sense,

Zach
#25
Quote by ZanasCross
I guess I am the odd man out here, but I didn't really enjoy this too much. There were parts that I enjoyed, but it seemed like there were a lot of unnecessary tack-ons that made it run longer than the point called for.

To begin, let me say that the personification was nice and well done. It added a nice life to the piece... and I enjoyed the phrasing and hte way you made it "bounce" down the page. However, by the time I got to the $2.50 line... I was running out of steam on your piece and delivery. To me, this was a monotone/monopace read. I got the major point of the whole thing by a couple lines in (other than the way you closed it in the last lines) and the middle really started to drag for me, because you really didn't introduce anything else that "mattered" to the piece. Would I recommend you make a change, no. You have what you need here and it delivers what its supposed to. I've just found (in a lot of the pieces I've read from you) that you deliver great punches in the beginning and a great finishing upper-cut, but in the middle you seem to lull and bit and drag the reader along without sparking his/her interests again in the middle. Just something to consider as you write, I suppose.

Hope that makes sense,

Zach


Thanks for telling me that, i'll definitely be more aware of it. I can see what you mean.

thanks.
#26
This might just be the first time I've ever agreed with Zach (well, other than about maths), but I haven't read many of your other pieces, I just felt it with this one.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!