I wrote this over about a week or so, and in that week I was listening to pretty much exclusively Bloodbath, which is why they are the major influence. But then I went back to it after listening to a lot of Slayer, and changed the solo a little bit. I'm no soloist either, so I know it's not too great.

Drums are quite simple, as is the bass, I was more focused on guitar lines. Vocals would be pretty much only lower growls, with the odd high scream for a bit of variation - my vocal ideas are mainly where the deathcore side comes from, musically it's pretty much straight up death metal.

Thanks in advance for listening to it, I'd really like some input as to what I could improve, etc before I start recording it.

C4C too
I can hear doom metal influence from the beginning, also death metal. Riffs are actually pretty boring, nothing memoreable. Lead part is horrible. Also drums are pretty boring. Nothing cool in them. Second lead part is terrible. It just doesn't sound like really anything. It's nice death metal jam or extra track or something. Not really memoreable. Third lead part is also pretty boring. Rythms weren't cool and melody sucked really. But I liked 102-103. Only nice parts, but they didn't really save anything.
Bar 2 - 5 The riff would be better if it was fast in tempo because it seems to be a very death metal riff.

Bar 6 - 9 I really like this part because it just seems this riff is about to jump off.

Bar 10 - 17 I thought the riff was ruined because of the choice of tempo and drumming.

Bar 19 - 26 I love this riff a lot. Extremely groove and awesome.

Bar 27- 34 This part of the song is pretty decent.

Bar 35 - 42 is decent but lazy to the ears tbh.

Bar 47 - 54 I just love these kind of powerful slow riffs. Kinda sludge-ish. Just loved it.

Some main problems with this song is it's slow tempo, drumming, repetitive nature in all riffs, and lack of energy. TBH, some of the riffs are solid and pretty good. I give this song a good 7.2 - 7.4 /10

Tbh, I see no deathcore in this song.
Last edited by The Arsis at Dec 19, 2009,
The intro sounded pretty evil and black metal-ish, nice job on that. The verse-ish riff in my opinion is way too slow for what you're going. Any metalcore/deathcore/death metal band is going to have speed in it's riffs. The 5-3-0-0 riff just doesn't belong. Scrap it. The lead also should be re-written. It sounds like you're following the pentatonic scale. If you're having trouble writing lead work, follow some scales. The best lead-work was the solo, but it still needs work. All in all, it has potential, and it's not that bad. It's just slow and... boring.
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Banned because.. that was brilliant, champayne

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I'm not a huge fan of Death Metal and Deathcore, but I think I might be able to help.

The lead needs a lot of work. I agree with champayne, try following a scale. Preferably a minor one.

the drums were very predictable. But that can be an easy fix.

the chords were quite monotonus. you could try using something other than the three bottom strings. you could try having the lead guitar play things in the midrange of the guitar as a melodic sort of melody. It might compliment the growls pretty well.

I liked bar 18 and the 19-26 section. very solid. some pinch harmonics with a lot of vibrato by the lead guitar might sound really good there.
Thanks for all the replies.

To the people that say the riffs seem boring in places, I'd like to add that, obviously, that lacks vocals, and I'd like to think it would sound a lot more interesting with them, so you have to bear that in mind.

Yeah, I know the drums aren't great, but I'm not a drummer myself, the plan is to have those as just a basic idea, then when I actually find a drummer I'll let them do what they want with it.

I'm working on putting in changes now though, I'll hopefully post the new version in the next day or so

Thanks again for the crit guys, I'll get round to doing the same for you real soon.
Sounds abit like doom metal, its abit boring, drum riff was bit boring, but other than that i liked it, good work, just try and make the riffs abit more crazier than what they are atm, still good, great work
I love that groove a ton. It's everything a good groove should be. That was probably my favorite part of the whole song. I definitely thing the beginning needs to be sped up to sound as deathy as it can.

As for the leads, I think you were trying to go for a discord to keep in with the deathy feel of the song, but it's... almost awkward sounding. Try to find either an extreme discordance or just use a minor or natural minor scale here.

The chugging stuff is good, it would probably sound much more interesting with vocals and real guitar tones.

So all in all, not bad. I've heard a lot of crap on here, but this has the beginnings of a successful deathcore song.

C4C here, when you get a chance:
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i liked this one a lot more than the other so nice work man. imo the leads are a bit too nice(for the lack of a better word). i think it would sound better with more of a minor tone in the leads to give it that mean sound i think you may have been going for. also on the riffs maybe you could try harmonizing them with the second guitar, it might give it something cool. other than that i liked it dude.
That was the most boring song I have ever heard and I doubt vocals would really save it.