#1
We're all so very simple -
she'll marry me if I get her something very shiny to wear
he'll appreciate it if I buy him this card that I didn't write myself
I can spend money on things I don't need
because the things we need, they're cheap -
water
food
knowledge
love
nothing glamorous, I need something
purchased.

water is slowly dwindling, filling the bodies of
many a lust child, many a body produced by
the simple spontaneous fuck
flooding the earth to the brim with
divorce, lies, dissatisfaction
she's not sexy anymore
he's not as strong as I thought he was
I didn't need love, I just
wanted to be wanted.
Farmers are a hickish bunch
doing nothing but grow crops
all covered in dirt
who needs em
why be em
cake never came from the earth...
education is a waste of time
except for the career life
make an income feed my family never see em woop im happy
philosophy's a lost cause, sweetie
why think when you dont need to?
and love
and love
and love
and love
it doesn't exist.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I don't know I didn't connect with this as much as I do with your other pieces. There were some nice lines in it here and there.

I know you were intending for this as a piece of theatre right? where you get into the mind of some angsty, attention seeking something year old?

I actually liked the first stanza more than the second stanza because of the execution. I probably would have enjoyed this more if it continued on in that vein.

'filling the bodies of
many a lust child, many a body produced by
the simple spontaneous ****'

I liked that from the second. I didn't feel as a whole that it was consistent, but then again this is basically a satire of an angsty person (I hope.)
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Dec 20, 2009,
#5
^ not necessarily of an angsty person; it's meant to be the embodiment of today's focus on the superficial and lack of appreciation for that which is needed, all in the character of the narrator.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I liked the first stanza a lot; it makes the point, and I kind of wish you followed that format for the rest of it. In my opinion, the second part should still be formatted similar to the first part; not necessarily uniform, seeing as the first part isn't, but not so many small lines. I like the content of all of it, but the second part doesn't make as much of a point, because it just kind of glances over each topic, or at least that's what I got from it.

C4C? Anything from my sig would be great.