#1
a ceaseless spin around the Inquisitor's gyre,
plumes of smoke loosed down throats
and the teary-eyed clamor on with a sinister ire;
a minister, a choir and the syllables between,
the conviction of the blindest ear
as the truth itches like passionate make-believe.

the revelation sweeps through the jungles;
the revelation pillages the villages.
the smog birds sing a cryptic dirge,
i study their ashy feathers,
enraptured in their indignant words:
did they build their city on a hill
to be further away from hell
or did it serve them just as well
to look down upon us?
did they swing their cross in the west
to fight off a certain death
or to cling to a destiny
that they had manifest?
did they find some newborn babe
and were so vexed by its promised gaze
that they found empire in its eyes
and a nightmare in its name?.


the darkness drawls with the lullabies;
the questions sit inside my lungs.
still i'm spun around the wheels of history, of irony
for the cancers are spread upon the right answers
and they're ravaging inside of me.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Dec 20, 2009,
#2
I love Yeats but -

The italics didn't add much for me at all, apart from the last two lines

'that they found empire in its eyes
and a nightmare in its name.'

Damn you're good, that first stanza was great. Loved it.
#3
I think the italics are fine and have some business here. Everything else was great. As Hendrix said, you're very good. I enjoyed this a lot.
#5
Wow...I loved the whole thing man, really good stuff. I applaud thee.
"Music is an expression. Not competition." ~ Woe, Is Me

Guitar
ESP LTD Viper 400

Amp
Orange Crush 35LDX
#6
Awesome. Really. I really like the way you pulled the feel of Yeats' poem and, for me at least, completely changed its subject.
Quote by philjay
^^I never ceases to amaze my guitar playing friends. It's all fun in games till I bring out the MIGHTY TOASTER


(Discussion about the Orange Tiny Terror)
#8
This almost wanted to have a nice meter to it, but you wouldn't let it. At times I felt a nice rhythm going on and then you would crush it with a line that was a mouthful. Maybe just because I was making this rhythm up in places, I'm not sure. I didn't like the rhyme scheme in the italicized part at all, I thought it felt predictable and too binary even if some of it was more subtle assonance. Still. hell/well? Really? You're better than that crap. Much better. I wasn't a fan of the repetition of "the revelation" either, it just didn't sit right with me. You know as soon as you get to the point where your pieces are polished to where I can't pick out dumb rhymes or annoying repetitions, however sparse they are, then everything you write will absolutely blow me away. It's little things, but they just take it all down just a notch from being flat out incredible. All that perfection junk will come with time, I s'pose.

I really couldn't get into this at all. Something kept me at arms length, kept me from really getting in and feeling this like I'm supposed to. I feel like I missed out, and because of that I'm not too big a fan of this compared to other stuff I've read of you.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1248508
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Dec 20, 2009,
#9
Don't try so hard with the flow. I know you can make words as fluid as silk, so reading this was just a little disappointing... it had a lot of potential to be spectacular, and for anyone else it'd be a fantastic piece but from you I know you can do better. The images are lovely, and your word choice is unique as always, but some of the rhymes are so 'there just because it rhymes' it's hard to take it seriously:
pillages the villages
cancers are spread upon the right answers


Congrats on trying a different style, but I think you could go through this and iron out a few things.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
@ganoosh: i wanted the italicized part to be a song (a dirge) so i guess that's why the rhyme scheme looks a little stale. thanks for your crit.

@vintage: i suppose some of the rhymes can look a little forced and maybe i should tone it down some but every word (pillages and cancers included) had a purpose within my mind and they were tied in to the overarching idea and metaphor that I was getting at. thanks for the advice though. it's something i'll definitely carry with me for my next one.
here, My Dear, here it is