#1
baking cakes with god

a friend
once
told me
that
the world
is a
perfect
and
beautiful
place. that
every
(mother’s)

cry,
every
(child’s)

tear and
every
(lover’s)

brokenhearted
sigh is
beautiful;
imperfect
pieces of a
perfect
whole.
like a cake,
he chuckled.
I certainly hope not,
I thought later
for if it melts, who would be around
to sing ‘McArthur’s Park’
and complain in senility
why God could never quite get the recipe
right
#2
Haha wow this is simple and nice especially the last stanza.. cept the long spacing for mother's child's and lover's is unnecessary to me.. but anyways good job man
#3
I'm usually not a huge fan of wacky formatting, and it's no different here. It doesn't do anything. I mean, the parentheses are enough to separate the words and you could even do without separating them at all if you want. But at least let them over to the left to play with the rest of the words.

In closing of the nitpick portion of my critique, I have two questions for you.

How does a cake melt?(Unless it's some aussie cake that I've never heard of.)

Does this piece of dialogue look right? Once my friend told me "I have brown hair and green pants", he chuckled. Didn't think so.

I did like the meaning of this, though. "imperfect pieces of a perfect whole", that really latched onto me and I'm probably going to be contemplating the implications of that for a pretty large chunk of my day.

Great idea, great intentions and everything else, but not-so-good-at-all execution.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1248508
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I thought the formatting was unnecessary; I thought the left right stuff was distracting and pointless.

I also thought this delivered very little for the number of words you used. Honestly, until you hit the last stanza; I was thinking "christ, what the hell is he rambling about?"

I'd appreciate thoughts on Bluebirds in sig (if you haven't already, I haven't read over comments yet).
#5
The last stanza was tight. Formatting is distracting, and takes away from the writing. I loved it, although in my opinion the title sucks.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
I too think the formatting, especially the parentheses, was unnecessary. I would think it was appropriate if the last stanza was contrasted with a more standard, flowing structure, kind of mirroring the sensibility of the last thought and differentiating it from the whimsy of the first character. Content was very short and refreshing though. Other than how it looks visibly, i really like this, especially coming from you.
<3
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
Thanks everybody. Ganoosh, the "cake melting" is a reference to the song "McArthur's Park", in which, during the chorus, a cake is left in the rain and melts.
#8
The formatting seemed confusing until I picked up on it. The whole piece left me confused until the last stanza, which is where I feel the whole thing gets pulled together.
I'M IN THE FIGHT TO CURE CYSTIC FIBROSIS...MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!


Quote by JustRooster
I'm a straight man, but I'd put that surfcaster right in my mouth.



Quote by JD2k9
Well, life is like a penis.
Women make it hard.
Also, it's short but seems long when it gets hard.
#9
I think the formatting would work on a smaller page, not that good for large screens though. And the parentheses do seem a bit unnecessary.
Blinded by the exertions of man
I stumble through the haze of modern malfunctions


Dropping myself into darkness
#10
The formatting kind of seemed like you did it just to make your piece seem more important. You shouldn't have to rely on awkward word placement for your work's message to come across. It kind of detracted from the poem.

That being said, I like the idea behind it. It's well-written, and you don't need to scatter words around for that to come through. You have something good going on.