#1
This something that i just threw together quickly I got the idea for a tv show, so not the best inspiration. Its definitely not my best effort, but I thought I'd see what guys thought anyway.

v.1
I walk the streets alone
and in silence
but all my fears ring loud and clear
Why is this damn noise
the only thing I hear?

I can't let go because
you're the only thing I want
the only thing that's worth something to me
It's getting outa control
but I don't blame you, because
there must be something I can't see

v.2
I feel my patience subsiding
and my instincts taking over
What I did I do to deserve any of this?
Why does this happen
with only a single kiss?

I can't let go because
you're the only thing I want
the only thing that's worth something to me
It's getting outa control
but I don't blame you, because
there must be something I can't see

v.3
My eyes are opening
My innocence is fading
and I'm starting to see
but failing to understand
Why did you do this to me?

I'm letting go because
you're all I used to want
but now you're completely worthless to me
I've got myself in check
and I can't believe I blamed myself
My eyes have been opened to all your deeds

v.4
I'm walking away from you
I'm forgetting everything
and not giving you a second thought
I'm not gonna question
your actions again
Because this is:

Good Bye
I mean Good Riddance
I don't want to see your face again
Can you blame me?
I blame you
Good Riddance and So Long
...... forever, Good Riddance
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#2
This is a very good piece of writing. A little depressing for me because I enjoy more upbeat happy tunes, but it is a very good piece and the refrain was in a good spot. Nice work.

You can check mine out if you want, it's on here somewhere called Johnny, are you lonely?

It might not be your style though. Let me know if you get some music up for this, I'de like to hear it.

Peace.
So... Jeff Lynne is still making music.. all is well.

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#3
Thanks! My recording rig just got busted so I'm kinda in a rut right now, but if I ever get it fixed all definitely put the music for my songs up.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#4
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I'm sorry to say, but I was a bit disappointed by this piece. It wasn't bad, but it felt too "been there, done that". I really didn't care too much about the narrator. It was relatably, which is good, and it might work with music, but as a stand-alone piece of writing, it falls short. It just feels too cliche I guess. You gave a good sense of rhythhm and you pick great topics. Your overall writing just needs improvement. And like Something Vague said in one your other threads, reading other poets and authors will help. Also I think listening to music you don't usually listen to will help. It helped me a bit. Anyways, I hope to read more from you.
#5
I like the story that this piece tells. The only thing I didn't like was that the lines didn't really have similar lengths in number of syllables. This may have been by design, but when you jump from 7 syllables to 10, it doesn't seem to flow well.
But, the story this piece tells is enough to keep me interested. Each verse has the narrator changing just a little bit until his view has changed completely by the end of the piece. I liked this a lot
#6
I think you should try your hand at free verse. Reading this felt like your rhyming really limited you in what you were saying; it made it seem lackluster and cliche when you probably have the potential to make something really good out of it if you had more wiggle room.
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#7
It's a bit depressing, but there's nothing wrong with sadness.

But yeah, this definitely seems more like free verse poetry than the other piece of yours that I read. I'm not sure if that was quite what you intended, but if it was then bravo. You've made good free verse poetry.

Keep up the good work. I like your stuff.
#8
It felt very contrived to me...like you didn't really feel it, or didn't quite know how to express your feelings. Dunno, It just didn't give me that feeling that it really meshed.

Now Now children, no flaming.

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