#1
The rhythm for the song is kinda weird. The commas mean a pause in the rhythm, but that's about all the help I can give the reader other than the line breaks. It's pretty slow, characterized by a bass line with a little guitar reinforcement and synth all the way through.

First 2 verses and chorus keep the same structure. But the bridge part changes it's beat a little.

I might link a GP4/5 thread that I'm planning to make on this song.
-----
[Verse I]
Would it be, too much to brush the hair from your eyes?
Or put your head next to mine?
Could we not, just lie here and forget the time?
Or have those days gone and dried?
Tell me, has the bathtub over flown?
Has the cigarette run out of fire?
Has the sour apple, become rotten?

[Chorus]
Could it be the light has left your eyes?
Maybe the light has left mine.
Could it be the warmth has toppled?
Maybe my own heart has fallen.

[Verse II]
Sympathize, for our own personal vices
Or disregard it entirely
Realize, we're still not keeping the silence
And keeping away the malice
Tell me, has the last page been written?
Has the last glass been broken?
Where is our last memory together?
We once were in love
Did we let it go?

[Chorus]
Could it be the light has left your eyes?
Maybe the light has left mine.
Could it be the warmth has toppled?
Maybe my own heart has fallen.

[Bridge]
Could we hide?
Could we die?
Could we fly away?
Could we hide?
Could we die?
Could we fly away?

[Guitar Solo]

Let me cry.
Let me cry.
Let me die.

Could we hide?
Could we hide?
Could we hide away for good?

[Chorus]
Could it be the light has left your eyes?
Maybe the light has left mine.
Could it be the warmth has toppled?
Maybe my own heart has fallen.

Could it be the light has left your eyes?
Maybe the light has left mine.
Could it be the warmth has toppled?
Maybe my own heart has fallen.

[Out Chorus]
Could the fight be over?
Maybe the light got colder.
Could the light get closer?
Maybe the warmth is over.


C4C
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society

#2
Quite like it actually. I get a sort of Tool meets Coldplay... vibe from it, correct me if I'm wrong haha.

For some reason, my favourite line is "Tell me, has the bathtub overflown?", really like the connotations but also the domestic imagery it brings up.

Good job.
#3
Quote by AltarageR
Quite like it actually. I get a sort of Tool meets Coldplay... vibe from it, correct me if I'm wrong haha.

For some reason, my favourite line is "Tell me, has the bathtub overflown?", really like the connotations but also the domestic imagery it brings up.

Good job.

Something like that.

I wrote this after being inspired by a Silversun Pickups song, so it's in that Coldplay neighborhood. I don't listen to much of Tool, but they are pretty descriptive from what I hear so that's a compliment I s'pose.

Yeah. I was going for this kinda "****ed up house with cigarette butts everywhere, broken mirrors and glass on the floor. Lots of beer cans and empty vodka bottles."

I don't know if anyone caught the "sour apple" line, but the girl this song is about and I used to drink Burnettes Sour Apple Vodka because we where cheap like that.

Ummmm. Yeah. The imagery came from this house that I stayed in for a while. So I'm glad I could convey this.

Thanks mate. Anything you want me to crit?
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society

#4
very powerful, great writting,kudos
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#5
Quote by BrandyCross
very powerful, great writting,kudos

Thank you.
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society

#6
wow cool, this was what, a week ago , once again, awesome bit of writting
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#7
Quote by BrandyCross
wow cool, this was what, a week ago , once again, awesome bit of writting

Thanks man.
GEAR
Epiphone SG-400
Marshall 1987 JCM-800 2210 100W

Proud Member of:
The SG Owners Unite
Marshall Amplification
EHX Users Guild

The True Eccentric Tea Drinking Appreciation Preservation Society